Jeanne Hewell-Chambers

+ Her Barefoot Heart

Category: writings (Page 61 of 66)

snow

January 8, 2010 / / 58 Comments
snowthroughwindow.jpg

it snowed here last night.

just a dusting, really.

not enough for even one bowl of snow ice cream

but enough to cause the roads to be icy

and treacherous.

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we spent most of the morning

with our noses to the window

taking in the beauty of the freshly-articulated trees

wondering if we can make it up and down the hills

on our daily walk.

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i love the quiet stillness

the snow brings

and the blue air.

there are those who will explain

the hue and stillness

with great authority

using numbers and

formulas

and studies.

but they’re only theories, really.

educated guesses, really, that make some feel better about the world and themselves

but

sometimes we don’t need to know why

we just need to enjoy and revel in

what is

while it is.

woodsinthesnow.jpg

who’d’a thunk it

January 5, 2010 / / 44 Comments

creation of the collage started on shaky ground – real shaky ground – and for a while it seemed that i would go through 2010 red-faced and collageless. i left my journal at home, see, the one i wanted to shelter the collage, and to make matters worse, my only magazines themed around fiber arts and pottery (not an oprah magazine in sight) (and how can a worthy collage be created without images and words from a staff who knows me. i mean, they really know me.) (which is odd, given that i am not a subscriber.) (or a regular reader, for that matter.)

but then i put on my martyr pants and got busy ripping, and before we got to the end of the 2nd season of lost dvd’s (the television show, i mean), i’d ripped past thoughtfully weighing the pros and cons of every. single. image. i’d ripped my way past looking for words and fonts. i’d ripped my way past justification and rationalization and a whole lotta’ other stuff that i can’t quite name.

now remember: i still didn’t have my journal

so i just crammed tucked the ripped images into my bag, figuring la-te-da i could throw it all away at home just as easily as i could fill the trashcan there, and i pretty much forgot about the whole thing until last night when i couldn’t sleep and couldn’t turn on the television without waking up the dog who would, in turn, wake up the husband who has to get up early so i try not to.

wake my husband up, i mean.

i tiptoed out of the bedroom, fished the ripped bits out of my bag, found my journal, got some glue, and sat down at the dining room table where i was immediately surprised by how many images i had. now you have to understand that spatial concepts is not my strongest intelligence by anybody’s measurement system, but any fool could see that all those images were not going to fit on a 2-page spread in my journal, and i didn’t feel like going downstairs in search of one of those big sheets of paper (and besides, where would i store it) (the collage, i mean), so i just started tearing off any superfluous paper, ripping it right on down to the quick.

to the essential image, i mean.

collage2010rejects.jpg

i eventually came to the last piece, and there i was: surprised again, this time by the hugeness of the discard pile (especially compared to the keypers). coveting wanting my little ole’ collage to be as pretty as emma james‘ vision board, i stuck my tongue out the side of my mouth and started laying the pieces out on the page. but then when i bit my tongue remembered that this is not about planning, i just started squirting glue and laying ’em down, and before i knew it, i was done. finished. collaged.

well, almost.

there was this one image in the discard pile that kept jumping out on the way to the trashcan, and when it leapt out for the third time, i said okay, fine and took it back and glued it onto a page all by itself.

collage2010annex.jpg

i’m calling it the annex.

and here’s the really super trooper amazing part: by the time i crawled back into bed around 5 a.m., all the keypers – i mean, every last one of ’em – had found a home on the two-page spread in my journal.

and i even had a few spaces to boot.

collage2010.jpg

just goes to show, doesn’t it . . .

burn

January 3, 2010 / / 38 Comments
logs.jpg

i hate sunday nights. i love sunday nights.

sunday nights are a transition time for me. the end of the pause. the threshold of beginning.

i am ready for my husband to go back to work. i want him to call in sick tomorrow.

i want to watch another movie. i am ready to get up and move.

i do not want go to back to a life of to do lists. i long for the structure of plans and productivity.

i am a different person. i am the same person trying to be different.

i want to spill things onto the page. i don’t have a damn thing to say.

i love the way i’m beginning to drop down into some philosophical, reflective writing (except for yesterday – that piece was pretty blah). i am tired of being serious, longing to cut loose and romp.

i want to change my update on facebook. i want to drop facebook altogether.

i want to finish my collage. i want to rip up the ripped out bits and flush them.

i want to sing and dance. i want to go to bed and sleep in the fetal position.

i want to twitter. i want to tuck in.

i want to get something done tonight so i’ll be ahead of the game tomorrow. i don’t even want to think about doing anything tonight.

i want to find a book on the writing of lost. if i never see another book, it’ll be too soon.

etc.

etc.

etc.

~~~

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#mindfullist

leap

January 3, 2010 / / 32 Comments
blackeyedpeas.jpg

today i leapt.

and i leapt with deliberation and thoughtfulness.

in the fiber arts community there’s a movement called slow cloth – just the name calms me. to live a life of calmness and space and rapt attention, that has been my dream, and today i am closer to that desired lifestyle . . .

gwen bell has developed a year’s worth of brief daily prompts intended to help cultivate a mindfulness lifestyle, and i am onboard. i am so onboard. today’s prompt: “Take time today to update your passwords. Make them bells of mindfulness, action-oriented words,” and so today finds me updating my passwords with verbs (and making sure everything is saved in 1password, the handiest software for mac users. it’s like having my own vault on the computer and on the iphone).

i also leapt into shuttersisters today. signed myself right up, committing to take and post a photo every day this year. i’m setting up a tumblr blog for the shuttersisters photos – i’ll let you know when it’s up and running, though i hasten to add that i am just a woman who enjoys photos, not a woman who would ever be confused with a photographer who knows what she’s doing.

january’s photo theme is create, and i’ve selected a photo of black-eyed peas, a southern staple – especially on new year’s day. thewordwire got me thinking about it yesterday, with her tweets about the southern delectables she was cooking up in her vegas kitchen. new years day is one of the rare days when i cook a full, resplendent meal, something my mother does frequently, and her mother did three times a day. i didn’t inherit the cooking gene – i don’t even collect cookbooks, though i’ve written a few from recipe collections of grandmothers.

my mother has an entire closet filled with plates and glasses and bowls. she sincerely enjoys entertaining, judging your love of her by how many times you go back for refills. she knows how to make people comfortable at her table. it is her native language.

her mother entered cake contests – and won a few, too. in the summer, she’d plant a huge garden, and every day would find her gathering items from the garden and cooking a big lunch (with biscuits made from scratch 3 times a day, i want you to know). the afternoons were spent shelling and shucking in the glider on the front porch then going inside for canning, freezing, and pickling.

these women that form the fabric of my matriarchal lineage created food that nourished and a table that welcomed.

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conjuring is hard work

January 1, 2010 / / 26 Comments
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though i made a valiant effort to talk myself out of doing it, if i do say so myself, i started work on my vision board, my creative collage, whatever you want to call it for 2010, and let me tell you: it’s harder than i remember. first off, the only magazines i have here are pottery magazines, fiber arts magazines, and a few catalogues. not a single oprah magazine in sight. resolved to working with what i have, i sighed audibly then began to flip through the magazines within reach. at first i would notice an attraction to something, then i’d immediately begin to explain and justify that attraction.

that’s NOT how it’s played, and i know it.

then i began to look for words and got hung up on the cliche phrases that kinda’ make my skin crawl but i figured folks would see them, like them, and find me enlightened.

or something.

that’s when i almost joined kelly in her search for a mountain. eventually, though, i pushed past all that crap and began ripping out images at will and just because.

not wanting to get up from my comfy position for reasons i can’t explain, i abruptly switched gears and began to create a list of things i want to do One Day, taking inspiration from shannon and emma (i actually stole borrowed a few from both – thank you, sweeties) because here’s the thing, folks: THIS IS HARD. ask me what i’m going to do tomorrow, and i can whip out a to do list before you finish the question mark. ask me what we need to accomplish by a week from today, and stand back because in under 5 minutes i’ll have a complete schedule complete with task analysis and shopping list. but give me a pen and a blank sheet of paper and ask me to list things i want to do just because, and i’m blank. lost. nada.

i am noticing that there aren’t so many physical adventures on the list, though i do want to run (read walk, mostly) a something-marathon with kipp – if he’ll have me, of course – and one of the items i stole borrowed from emma is dance naked in the rain (although it reads “dance nekkid in the rain” on my list).

travel seems a topic good for at least 5-10 entries, but nooooo. i can only think of a handful of places i want to go. climbing mountains? don’t think so. swimming in all the oceans? i hate sand on my body, so that kinda’ knocks that out now, doesn’t it?

maybe it’s time to switch gears here and set the vision board and list aside and just choose a single word for 2010. just one itty bitty word for 2010. and what, you might well ask, would that one word be?

finally, something easy in the conjuring of a new year. my one word for 2010? JustBecause.

resolutions, schmezolutions

December 31, 2009 / / 33 Comments
sunsetson2009.jpg

today’s Q: what resolution didn’t stick?

today’s A: n/a. not applicable because i stopped making resolutions long ago, and in doing so, i surrendered. i handed off control of my to others. here, i said, you, whoever you are, you be my rudder. you decide where i go, what i do, who i do it with. you decide my fate, my future, my now. i’ll just float along aimlessly and see what happens.

i quit with the resolutions because i felt inadequate and eroded when i didn’t stick to and complete them. i quit with the resolutions because i felt like i didn’t take up enough space in the world to be worthy of resolutions. i quit with the resolutions because i just didn’t think it was worth it. i didn’t think i was worth it.

but oh my goodness how much can change in a month’s time.

i still won’t make resolutions – but i will make something akin to plans. (not tonight, though, cause i’m watching mama mia.) (and i’ve had maybe a wee bit too much wine.) (but not enough to affect my spelling skills, just my planning skills.) (and don’t worry. i’m not leaving the house.) tomorrow, though. yes, tomorrow i will create a collage for 2010. tomorrow i become the architect of my own life.

and it may or may not involve words.

~~~

blessings.jpg

i am holding my heart with both hands as i say thank you to gwen bell for putting this challenge together, and thank you to members of my new twitter tribe. i have, through this challenge and on twitter, found my right people – my tribe – and my life will never, ever be the same.

blogliography for this post:
acey
alana
angela
bryce
coach dian
danielle
emma
gwen bell
julie
julie
karen
kathy
kelly
lindsey
lisa sonora beam
molly
mandalove
mary
morag
mynde
nicole
rebecca
susan
thewordwire
zura
and my family: andy, alison, and kipp.
and other members of my twitter tribe who don’t have blogs.

best09
~~~
the stories are mine, but credit for the kindling goes to gwen bell and her best of 2009 blog challenge. today’s post answers the question “what resolution did you not keep in 2009?”
~~~

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#best09, #bestof2009

messages from another side

December 30, 2009 / / 16 Comments

they’re often entertaining and informative, but at a deeper level, advertising mostly illuminates the vital need for teaching, encouraging, practicing independent thinking skills . . .

this, my friends, is what can happen when you get too, er um, worked up:

literal is funny (sometimes):

best09
~~~
the stories are mine, but credit for the kindling goes to gwen bell and her best of 2009 blog challenge. today’s post answers the question “what ad made you think this year?”
~~~

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#best09, #bestof2009

paperholics anonymous

December 29, 2009 / / 32 Comments
stylus.jpg

hello. my name is jeanne, and i’m a paperholic.

i have this notion that the trees in heaven have leaves of various papers, and when the leaves fall, they are immediately replaced with more and different paper leaves. the skies rain pens, and colorful flowers magically become ink when picked. blank journals grow like weeds, and the clouds (always within reach) are actually handmade papers.

in my real world, 3 thank you notes = 1 apple, so to keep the doldrums at bay, i start my day off by penning 3 thank you notes. i seem to collect notecards like there’ll never be another, and i’m pretty sure that when answering this question next year, i’ll mention these jewels danielle laporte and these from papaya. this, my friends, is one of my favorite notecard find for 2009: embroidered paper. sweet.

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envelopes? oh, don’t get me started.

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then there are pens. these days i mostly use the handblown glass stylus my son, kipp, surprised me with on a trip to hawaii years ago. (yes, that’s it in the lead photo.) there is nothing – nothing, i tell you – like the sound and feel of that nib scratching across the paper leaving a trail of gratitude and appreciation.

then there’s this fountain pen beauty i bought myself to mark the occasion of going to graduate school.

goddardpen.jpg

there’s the fountain pen i bought because it was a replica of the fountain pen i used in elementary school (fountain pen + briefcase in 3rd grade? well, let’s just say that i’m a stronger woman because of it) and the fountain pen given to me by one of my son’s former girlfriends. while doing some online shopping, i happened upon this pen on a chain. fortunately it goes with everything. (think it might be time to dust around here?)

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journals are another weakness addiction downfall interest. though i still occasionally go back to the black-and-white hardback inexpensive composition books because, as i told julie jordan scot, they don’t expect too much from me. about a month ago, somebody tweeted about purchasing a keel’s simple diary. unfortunately, i was still in the completely-gobsmacked stage of trying to find my way around twitter (now, i’m happy to report, i’m in the just-plain-gobsmacked stage), so i can’t give credit for the find. but there it was: the word “diary” – a sparkly if ever there was one. naturally, i had to go investigate and wound up giving 5 of them as gifts this year (yes, i am one of the 5).

in spite of my trusty ever-present companions, the iphone and macbook pro, september finds me hanging out in the calendar sections of local and online stores, fondling all the latest organizers – when it comes to pen and paper, old habits are hard to break – and i was fine with that system, totally fine, until i rebecca had to go and mention the day runner life tracker system. i spent far too many hours minutes yesterday envisioning my life with one of those flexible life tracker systems in my hand. (it brought back memories of the southpark trapper keeper episode – one of my favorites, though i have no idea why it’s so funny. i mean, i covet that trapper keeper. covet it, i tell you.)

coming across gwen bell’s article, then lisa sonora beam’s post last night has me gathering supplies to do a collaged plan for next year – something i haven’t done in more than 15 years. such planning was once an annual event for me – something i looked forward to. i would turn myself loose with the scissors, creating a collage inside a decorative (or decorated) file folder. i’d revisit the collage every month or two, always amazed at how my year was unfolding as though guided by the collage. but then i got busy, times got rough financially, cynicism built up and the belief in my self plummeted, so i just quit doing it. but now, i’m innergized and committed to using scissors, glue, paper, and intuition to create a map for 2010. to take control of my life; to live more consciously while reflecting regularly; to become more proactive than reactive.

and so, though it’s not on embroidered notecards, not written with vegetable-based amber-colored inks using a handblown glass stylus from hawaii, i offer yet another big, huge thank you to gwen bell for putting this challenge together, creating a path that has led me to my tribe, led me to my self and led me (back) to my self.

best09
~~~
the stories are mine, but credit for the kindling goes to gwen bell and her best of 2009 blog challenge. this post answers the question “when you touch the paper, your heart melts. the ink flows form the pen. what was your stationery find ot the year?”
~~~

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#best09, #bestof2009

best web tool 2009: the envelope please

December 27, 2009 / / 27 Comments
award.jpg

in 2009, after spending much time auditioning many, many web tools, i learned and put into use hootsuite, evernote, dropbox, amazon s3, skype, delicious library, things for task management, scrivener for writing, process for outlining and braindancing projects. i rejoined facebook, set up a flickr account, learned how to create and post a video via vimeo. i researched, learned, and began to use these and many other web tools, but hands-down the best web tool of 2009 is twitter.

far from being a top gun or even a squirt gun on twitter, i am learning my way around and have made some good friends – some very good friends – there. in one of our getting-to-know-each-other email conversations, karen introduced me to havi and her post on finding your right people. my right people are on twitter – i’m sure of it – and to think that i would not know my tribe had i thought myself out of participating in gwen bell’s best of 09 blog challenge.

twitter folks are some of the most encouraging and supportive people i’ve ever happened to come across. so many seem to enjoy learning and sharing bits they find intriguing, interesting, informative. though i’m still learning twitter etiquette (i’m up to question #2768 to my manchild), i am mightily impressed with the good manners that prevail even in a world of 140 characters. “thank you” tweets come across my screen with delicious frequency, and every time i see one, i pause and think of somebody i can thank on twitter or off.

i enjoy the easy, non-obligatory rhythm of twitter – need to miss a few hours or days? no pressure. just rejoin when ready and pick up where you left off without feeling the need to go back and catch up on everything you missed. there’s no getting behind on twitter, and that’s a big relief.

i especially like the way twitter is shaping my thinking skills, helping me think crisply, with brevity, succinctly distilling my thoughts down to the essential. i have, however, read so many blog posts about how twitterers will not waste their time with anything but witty, sharp repartee, i do have a tendency to think myself into silence, even though these same folks also say they will not follow anybody who doesn’t post with regularity. “just listen to that smartass inner voice i know you have,” my manchild kipp (@lloyddobbler on twitter) tells me, “and take dictation.”

even having said that, twitter gives me 24/7 opportunities to take risks – to have my say and walk away without growing wrinkles and gray hair worrying too much about how my 140 strung-together characters will be received . . . something that is, of course, made easier given the small, miniscule number of followers i currently have. and while we’re talking about followers and following, a question: what is an acceptable discrepancy between the two? because i fear looking pathetic if i follow more than 32 times the number of followers i have at any given time, i’ve created a wait list of people i want to follow. i pick up a few followers, i follow a few more. that’s my system.

even though i know everybody has their own reasons for being on twitter, i sure do like the fact that so few people come across as hard-core, pushy, it’s-all-about-me sales people . . . even though i have noticed that some people have a tendency to send their own self-promotional tweets out several times an hour. but so few people do that, i just turn it into a game and make bets with myself about how many times those who do will post the same tweet in any given hour.

so, you see, twitter is more than distracting, clock-eating, short bursts of communication. yes, it’s so much, much more, and that’s why had i a red carpet and little gold statue (or a heavily-decorated cake with candles like the one in the picture) to award, it would go to – ta-da – twitter. (i would keep the goodie basket, though.) (i’m just sayin’.)

best09
~~~
the stories are mine, but credit for the kindling goes to gwen bell and her best of 2009 blog challenge
~~~

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#best09, #bestof2009

best gift of 2009: a new way of being

December 26, 2009 / / 29 Comments
blessings.jpg

i release my grip; i tighten my grip. like the beating of a heart: systolic, diastolic. both are necessary. both are sometimes erratic and irregular . . .

for proof that i’m releasing my grip, you’d have to look back no further than yesterday. some 12 hours after ravaging our way through enticingly-shaped packages and stories of selection criteria, the floor was still covered with spent wrapping paper and ribbons. gifts were still strewn about the house, in nomads in search of a home. back in the day, we would’ve opened packages and after a short exhale, i would’ve scooped up the paper and mainstreamed the gifts, leaving only the tree (with only a scant 12-15 hours remaining) and tablecloth as evidence that christmas was different from any other day.

in november i spent 4 days with the in-laws and prepared no script. in august we went to visit my son in colorado, and the only items on the itinerary were flight times and rental car confirmation number.

we moved into a new house, and while many of the big projects have been ticked off the list, there are switches without plate covers and marble floors in need of polishing and entire rooms that still look like attics.

i am more willing to accept without comment that some members of my family are just not likely to follow through with their commitments. that some projects may never be resoundingly finished. that some people are just more comfortable seeing the negative side.

and in the releasing, there is a tightening . . .

i tighten my grip around my writing self, living into my promise to regularly carve out time for stringing words together. i am not yet satisfied with what i am writing, finding myself still reluctant to peel back the top and release the contents of what’s in the can, but step one: thanks to gwen bell, there is a writing rhythm in the making.

i trust myself more, increasingly confident that i can and will handle whatever appears. i become more comfortable asking for help when needed without feeling faulty or indentured. i accept tears as highlighting pens instead of signs of weakness.

though i am not yet fully brave, i do speak my truth more, knowing full-well that my truth may not be your truth, but recognizing that my truth has value, too. and as i grow stronger, i learn to speak without the watering down and protective padding of tacked-on qualifiers. and even when the conversations get rough and bumpy, i stay. i stay.

i tighten my hold on patience – around these things and more – because i am not done here. these are not gifts that have been unwrapped and fully assimilated into daily life. this tightening and releasing – this shedding of layers and forming of balance – this is a gift that is still giving and still in the making.

best09
~~~
the stories are mine, but credit for the kindling goes to gwen bell and her best of 2009 blog challenge. today’s prompt: the best gift of 2009.
~~~

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#best09, #bestof2009

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