+ Her Barefoot Heart

Category: Jeanne’s Barefoot Heart (Page 60 of 99)

Jeanne’s personal creative pursuits of stories stitched, written, and spoken

of brokenness and beauty

“It’s wrong,” he said, “to take away the story a pot can tell.”

A pot should tell about the passing of time. It should speak of the woman with swirls on her fingertips, who smoothed the inside surface with a piece of gourd. It should raise a prickle of wonder at the artist who looked at a lizard and saw the geometry of its back limbs, right angles framing the curve of its tail. It should lay bare the disaster of its breaking and what else might have been broken with it. If it has empty space in its skin, that emptiness is part of what it is.

Clay that holds a story of human creative power holds also a story of the fragmenting power of time and weather and irretrievable loss. The beauty in a bowl is the truth of it. If part of its truth is the wounds it has endured, then those wounds are part of its beauty.

From Wild Comfort: The Solace of Nature by Kathleen Dean Moore

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DSC06404

She messaged me in mild panic: my granddog had broken my son’s favorite bowl. “Send it to me,” I told her, and I spent months mending it. Not because it took that long, but because I enjoyed the process. He assured me he didn’t want it, my son, so I’ve adopted it, and for some unfathomable reason, I can’t bear to finish mending it.

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Shards2a

I bought two bags filled with shards of broken dishes – five dollars a bag – and years later, I am still tickled with my treasure. “What will you do with them?” my husband asks in a chuckle. That was a long time ago, and the shards still just sit in a dish, treating my imagination to stories untold.

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Nancy1

Nancy2

Nancy3

We visited Nancy last week, my friend Angela and I. After she finished her brownie sundae with strawberry milkshake, I put paper in front of her and a pen in her hand, and our Nancy drew like a woman possessed. She doesn’t have the fine motor skills to turn a single page at a time, and I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough. She drew then stopped, waiting on me to find her a fresh page. She filled the remaining pages in my pocketbook notebook then Angela’s notebook then a few bits of paper I happened to have tucked to the side. That night I bought her a 6-pack of composition books and a side of pens, and the next day when we took her to lunch, I opened them in front of her. Though she didn’t draw with quite the same intensity as the day before, she was nevertheless focused, and filled the better part of three of those six books.

Yesterday and the day before, I scanned those images, and purchased several yards of white fabric – some broadcloth and some white textured fabric purchased at a thrift shop. (I’ll explain my choice of fabrics another day in another post.) Today I cut the fabric into pieces, and tomorrow I’ll set about stitching each of Nancy’s 163 drawings – one image to one piece of cloth – using purple thread because purple is her favorite color and Angela’s purple pen is the one she obviously preferred. I’ll be posting occasional updates here where I do my long form writing, but mostly I’ll be documenting this journey at my new blog, Gone with the Thread, specially created for such inexplicable but necessary pursuits of my heart.

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I keep the shards without so much as an idea of making a wailing wall like the one in The Secret Life of Bees or the mosaic wall in How to Make an American Quilt. I don’t want to remake them into something they once were, and I don’t want to make them into something else entirely. I keep the shards and the pieces of the bowl just as they are because even in their (so called) brokenness, they speak. Because even in their (so called) brokenness, their possibilities are limited only by my limitations. Because even in their (so called) brokenness, they are beautiful.

It’s the Little Things That Trip You Up and Lift You Up

Andy2b

Before we met, I dated enough good men and enough skudzoids to know what I looked for in a life mate, so on on that fateful January night so many years ago when Eros was in such a jolly good mood and nudged us in the direction of each other with his arrow, I was ready. In the beginning there was the love of freedom that comes from being launched into the world as independent young adults. There as the love of newness that comes with new jobs, new relationship, new domicile. There was the love of each other, undoubtedly based more on pleasing appearances than anything else, given the short time we’d known each other. But through the potholes and detours that are inevitably encountered on any journey, through births and deaths, through prosperity and leanness, through agreement and disagreement, I’ve grown to know and love – deeply love – your soul.

As your handwriting shows, you are a man who takes his time about things, being sure before committing, taking pains to make sure you’re understood. What you lack in patience for other drivers – especially the Floridian drivers who spend their summers here on the curvy mountainous roads (in front of you, more often than not) – you make up for in kindness. Remember those two puppies we rescued from the pound the first year we were out of an apartment in in our own home? I can still see you sitting there in the grass on that ridiculously hilly backyard, a pudgy brown and black puppy wiggling in each arm. When one got sick and had to be euthanized, you asked me to tend to that because it was something you simply weren’t able to do.

I couldn’t help but notice early-on that you are quite literal, a way of being undoubtedly learned both from training and from example, and this black-and-white way of seeing the world, this orderly linearity way of proceeding is at times annoying, at times exasperating, and at times, I must say, actually quite reassuring and useful. For years I took those irritating follow-up questions you ask me I tell you a perfectly fine story, as one-upmanship, behavior I’ve long attributed to you being raised in a family that values math and science more than the sun and stars. Then one day – not too long ago, actually – I vowed for the zillionth time to never waste a perfectly good and well-told story on you ever again, when from out of nowhere comes a resounding thwack, and I realized that you’re not scolding or belittling, you’re not criticizing or poking fun – quite the contrary. You’re listening to me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re hanging onto my every word (far too many times I can see you there, your eyes glazing over as I talk), but you do listen more often than I’ve given you credit for.

You’re a man who notices the little things, my husband. Why if I had a nickel for every four-leaf clover you’ve found, you’d be sipping a drink while patiently waiting for me to post this from a cruise ship in some exotic part of the world. When we go for walks, I look for a safe place to land my foot while you find the most marvelous surprises – leaves turned lacy in their act of decaying, eggshells left behind after the hatching, heart-shaped rocks, and yes, of course: four-leaf clovers.

Over the years, we’ve used that iron skillet to prepare nourishment for ourselves, our family, and our friends, but never as a weapon against each other. You are one of the most understanding, supportive men I’ve ever been lucky enough to know. You’ve taught me what healthy relationships look like, what true-grain love feels like. Sometimes we’ve experienced seasoning simultaneously and sometimes individually, but we’ve never grown away and left the other. I remember thinking it impossible to love you any more than I did back in that fresh, newness of youthful love, but tonight, though I have no standard of measurement that will satisfy your engineer’s brain, I tell you anyway that I now love you more. I now love you for more than just your fetching countenance. I love you for all the little things that are the beauty of your soul.

Happy birthday, Andy.

Clover2

She’s my Sister-in-Law and I Love Her Like the “in-law” Part was Silent

Nancy2

This is Nancy, and today is her birthday. Now the only test Nancy will ever need to pass is an eye exam, but don’t you waste a minute thinking there’s not some cognitive activity going on there. It just looks a little different from what we’ve been taught smart looks like, that’s all.

There was the time we visited her on Memorial Day weekend, for example. She prattled on and on (she has a tendency to repeat things) about how nobody had to go to work on Monday. “Nobody has to go to work on Monday,” she said over and over and over again. For the first thousand or so times, I made conversation by telling her that I had to go to work on Monday. We got to the restaurant and talked about other things over lunch, then as we were leaving the restaurant – before we even got out of the parking lot – Nancy said, “Nobody but Jeanne has to go to work on Monday.” The rest of us had already forgotten that it was even a holiday weekend.

The lenses on her glasses are perpetually covered with her fingerprints because when her glasses slide down her nose – a frequent occurrence – she places three fingers on each lens and shoves the glasses back into place. But thickly-coated or no, when it comes to jewelry, Nancy has 20/20 vision. You see, our Nancy loves jewelry as much as the next girl, so when we visited her a couple of months ago and found that we couldn’t take her shopping to pick out her own, I slipped a bracelet off my wrist and put it on hers. It was a slim cuff bracelet made of pewter, much different from the elastic-strung beaded bracelets I usually get for her because they slide on over her wrist, making it easy for her to adorn herself. Well, Nancy took one look at that bracelet and smiled . . . until she turned her wrist over to look at it from the other side. Seeing the opening in the back, Nancy promptly removed the bracelet from her wrist and tossed it on the floor saying, “It’s broke.”

She can’t read a book, our Nancy, but she can put a 500-piece puzzle together faster than you or I can dump the pieces out of the box.

Nancy has no interest in or need for time management apps, but she keeps a record of her days in a spiral-bound composition book. Using one page for every day, she notes what’s most important to her: what she had for breakfast, who had a birthday that day, the names of her family members, the word “love,” and her signature. Every single day contains “love.” Think about that for a minute: Love. In every single day.

When it comes to dance partner selection on Friday nights, it doesn’t matter to Nancy what kind of car the man drives or how much money he has in the bank, or even what color his eyes are. What matters to Nancy enough to dance with a man is that he doesn’t hit and he doesn’t bite. (I know I told you that before, but I think it bears repeating for a lot of women, don’t you?)

Oh sure, our Nancy will never graduate from high school and she’ll never hold a college degree, but she knows things that can’t be learned from reading a book or attending a class. She is one of the few people (maybe the only person) I know who is content with her life just as it is. She doesn’t live in the past, and she doesn’t live in the future, Nancy lives every day in the present. And she sure does know how to pick a man.

Nancy is not beautiful by cultural and advertising standards. Her teeth aren’t perfectly white and close together. She’s a mouth breather. Her fingers take a funny turn and point upward even when her hand is resting palm-side down on the table. She has an unsteady, uneven gait, sort of shuffling her feet while her body sways side to side from the shoulders. But know this: if you overlook Nancy, if you ignore her or dismiss her or disregard her, Nancy’s not the one missing out. You are.

NancyJeanneShopping

Let’s Talk Eyeball to Eyeball, part 1

Web

Now listen, let’s cut right to the chase: difficult people are one thing, stupid people are one thing, but abusive, controlling, manipulative people are quite another, and you need only stay in relationship with them long enough to be able to get out safely.

Period.

You deserve better.

Period.

You’ve heard the old saying “You made your bed and now you have to lay in it?”

Forget it. Forget you ever heard it. Erase it. Obliterate it.

Think you have to be miserable and in danger because you are obligated to live with the consequences of your choices?

Bunk.

Sometimes you can get so settled in a relationship, so comfortable with its predictable dynamics that you can’t see it clearly. You get lost in the familiarity, losing sight of the harm that’s being perpetrated on you and your partner. (But I don’t care about your partner right now, I care about YOU.)

Let’s be real clear about this:

Healthy love doesn’t manipulate, control, isolate, or harm another. Healthy love doesn’t issue ultimatums or demand you buy them things in return for their affection. Healthy love can’t be bought or sold. Healthy love doesn’t isolate you from friends sand family. Healthy love doesn’t pummel you incessantly with junky words designed to keep you down and them up. Healthy love doesn’t want you to be a slave or a doormat or a punching bag.

People, listen to me.

Healthy love wants you to shine. Healthy love brings out the best in you and the best in them. Healthy love makes you walk differently, with the grace of someone who is cherished and supported and loved through and through.

If your partner professes to be jealous of your friends, envious of the attention you give your family, if your partner demands that you forsake your friends and family spending time only with their friends and family, do not confuse this for love. This is not jealousy and this is not ardent love, my friends, this is controlling, isolating behavior, a tool in the abuser’s arsenal. Bullies are sniveling cowards, really. Knowing that other people just might see them more clearly than you, well, they want none of that.

Recognize it for the controlling, manipulative, isolating behavior it is.

If your partner tells you lies about your family and lies about your friends, see this for what it is: deceit. an erosion of trust. And really, if you don’t have trust as the foundation of a relationship, what kind of relationship do you have? Said another way, without trust, do you really have a relationship?

Trust is everything.

If your partner gets what they want by plying you with affection or pitching hissy fits and allowing you to makeup with them by buying them what they want, taking them where they want to go, doing for them what they wanted you to do in the first place, see this for what it is: immaturity and manipulation.

You are not a game piece they move to win the game.

If you earn money and your partner demands that you turn it over to them then refuses to share it with you – say it with me: this is controlling behavior and is not to be tolerated. I don’t care how you feel about capitalism, you need to have your own money.

Period.

If, after pitching a hissy fit, your partner says anything akin to “If you hadn’t done or said so-and-so, I wouldn’t have had to get mad, hit you, pitch such a fit (insert your behavior of choice),” see this for what it is: shifting the blame and trying to make you responsible for their unacceptable behavior. Unacceptable.

If your partner does any or all of these things, see it for what it is: thuggish, bullying behavior – abuse. Abuse doesn’t just mean physical contact, people. Abuse can leave bruises that are never visible to the naked eye. Bruises that can be healed, though it might take a few eons or so.

If your partner scares you,
If your partner tries in any way to make and keep you small,
If your partner blames you for their bad behavior
LEAVE.
Exit the relationship.
This is not a healthy relationship, and this is not healthy love.

You never did anything to deserve this. Ever. You may not be able to see it right now under all the years of words and deeds to the contrary, but you ARE worthy and you ARE lovable and you DESERVE to be with someone who cherishes you.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you can’t be stupid about your leaving. You have to be safe and consider the safety of yourself and your family, but that doesn’t lock you into staying in an unhealthy relationship for the rest of your life. Shake your body like a dog fresh out of the bathtub. Do it again. And one more time. Scream YES as loud as you can (even if it has to be on the inside). Now square your shoulders, exhale, and start planning. I know it’s not as easy as me writing these words. Of course it isn’t. Your exit might be quick and easy or it might be a long, arduous journey. Either way, you will get tired – changing the way you see yourself is invigorating, trying, challenging, exhausting, and liberating. It takes practice to see yourself in a new way, it takes patience to let your bones convince yourself that you are worthy. But it’s doable. And we are here cheering you on. We want you to succeed. We want you to see yourself the way we see you. The world needs you to live into your own bigness, and you cannot do that while under the thumb and under the control of a monster.

panes

Pane

i cleaned windows today.

on one,
i used
glass cleaner,
paper towels,
and elbow grease.

on the other,
i used
honesty,
love,
and
trust.

i can see clearly now.

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