+ Her Barefoot Heart

Year: 2012 (Page 20 of 29)

She’s my Sister-in-Law and I Love Her Like the “in-law” Part was Silent

Nancy2

This is Nancy, and today is her birthday. Now the only test Nancy will ever need to pass is an eye exam, but don’t you waste a minute thinking there’s not some cognitive activity going on there. It just looks a little different from what we’ve been taught smart looks like, that’s all.

There was the time we visited her on Memorial Day weekend, for example. She prattled on and on (she has a tendency to repeat things) about how nobody had to go to work on Monday. “Nobody has to go to work on Monday,” she said over and over and over again. For the first thousand or so times, I made conversation by telling her that I had to go to work on Monday. We got to the restaurant and talked about other things over lunch, then as we were leaving the restaurant – before we even got out of the parking lot – Nancy said, “Nobody but Jeanne has to go to work on Monday.” The rest of us had already forgotten that it was even a holiday weekend.

The lenses on her glasses are perpetually covered with her fingerprints because when her glasses slide down her nose – a frequent occurrence – she places three fingers on each lens and shoves the glasses back into place. But thickly-coated or no, when it comes to jewelry, Nancy has 20/20 vision. You see, our Nancy loves jewelry as much as the next girl, so when we visited her a couple of months ago and found that we couldn’t take her shopping to pick out her own, I slipped a bracelet off my wrist and put it on hers. It was a slim cuff bracelet made of pewter, much different from the elastic-strung beaded bracelets I usually get for her because they slide on over her wrist, making it easy for her to adorn herself. Well, Nancy took one look at that bracelet and smiled . . . until she turned her wrist over to look at it from the other side. Seeing the opening in the back, Nancy promptly removed the bracelet from her wrist and tossed it on the floor saying, “It’s broke.”

She can’t read a book, our Nancy, but she can put a 500-piece puzzle together faster than you or I can dump the pieces out of the box.

Nancy has no interest in or need for time management apps, but she keeps a record of her days in a spiral-bound composition book. Using one page for every day, she notes what’s most important to her: what she had for breakfast, who had a birthday that day, the names of her family members, the word “love,” and her signature. Every single day contains “love.” Think about that for a minute: Love. In every single day.

When it comes to dance partner selection on Friday nights, it doesn’t matter to Nancy what kind of car the man drives or how much money he has in the bank, or even what color his eyes are. What matters to Nancy enough to dance with a man is that he doesn’t hit and he doesn’t bite. (I know I told you that before, but I think it bears repeating for a lot of women, don’t you?)

Oh sure, our Nancy will never graduate from high school and she’ll never hold a college degree, but she knows things that can’t be learned from reading a book or attending a class. She is one of the few people (maybe the only person) I know who is content with her life just as it is. She doesn’t live in the past, and she doesn’t live in the future, Nancy lives every day in the present. And she sure does know how to pick a man.

Nancy is not beautiful by cultural and advertising standards. Her teeth aren’t perfectly white and close together. She’s a mouth breather. Her fingers take a funny turn and point upward even when her hand is resting palm-side down on the table. She has an unsteady, uneven gait, sort of shuffling her feet while her body sways side to side from the shoulders. But know this: if you overlook Nancy, if you ignore her or dismiss her or disregard her, Nancy’s not the one missing out. You are.

NancyJeanneShopping

Let’s Talk Eyeball to Eyeball, part 1

Web

Now listen, let’s cut right to the chase: difficult people are one thing, stupid people are one thing, but abusive, controlling, manipulative people are quite another, and you need only stay in relationship with them long enough to be able to get out safely.

Period.

You deserve better.

Period.

You’ve heard the old saying “You made your bed and now you have to lay in it?”

Forget it. Forget you ever heard it. Erase it. Obliterate it.

Think you have to be miserable and in danger because you are obligated to live with the consequences of your choices?

Bunk.

Sometimes you can get so settled in a relationship, so comfortable with its predictable dynamics that you can’t see it clearly. You get lost in the familiarity, losing sight of the harm that’s being perpetrated on you and your partner. (But I don’t care about your partner right now, I care about YOU.)

Let’s be real clear about this:

Healthy love doesn’t manipulate, control, isolate, or harm another. Healthy love doesn’t issue ultimatums or demand you buy them things in return for their affection. Healthy love can’t be bought or sold. Healthy love doesn’t isolate you from friends sand family. Healthy love doesn’t pummel you incessantly with junky words designed to keep you down and them up. Healthy love doesn’t want you to be a slave or a doormat or a punching bag.

People, listen to me.

Healthy love wants you to shine. Healthy love brings out the best in you and the best in them. Healthy love makes you walk differently, with the grace of someone who is cherished and supported and loved through and through.

If your partner professes to be jealous of your friends, envious of the attention you give your family, if your partner demands that you forsake your friends and family spending time only with their friends and family, do not confuse this for love. This is not jealousy and this is not ardent love, my friends, this is controlling, isolating behavior, a tool in the abuser’s arsenal. Bullies are sniveling cowards, really. Knowing that other people just might see them more clearly than you, well, they want none of that.

Recognize it for the controlling, manipulative, isolating behavior it is.

If your partner tells you lies about your family and lies about your friends, see this for what it is: deceit. an erosion of trust. And really, if you don’t have trust as the foundation of a relationship, what kind of relationship do you have? Said another way, without trust, do you really have a relationship?

Trust is everything.

If your partner gets what they want by plying you with affection or pitching hissy fits and allowing you to makeup with them by buying them what they want, taking them where they want to go, doing for them what they wanted you to do in the first place, see this for what it is: immaturity and manipulation.

You are not a game piece they move to win the game.

If you earn money and your partner demands that you turn it over to them then refuses to share it with you – say it with me: this is controlling behavior and is not to be tolerated. I don’t care how you feel about capitalism, you need to have your own money.

Period.

If, after pitching a hissy fit, your partner says anything akin to “If you hadn’t done or said so-and-so, I wouldn’t have had to get mad, hit you, pitch such a fit (insert your behavior of choice),” see this for what it is: shifting the blame and trying to make you responsible for their unacceptable behavior. Unacceptable.

If your partner does any or all of these things, see it for what it is: thuggish, bullying behavior – abuse. Abuse doesn’t just mean physical contact, people. Abuse can leave bruises that are never visible to the naked eye. Bruises that can be healed, though it might take a few eons or so.

If your partner scares you,
If your partner tries in any way to make and keep you small,
If your partner blames you for their bad behavior
LEAVE.
Exit the relationship.
This is not a healthy relationship, and this is not healthy love.

You never did anything to deserve this. Ever. You may not be able to see it right now under all the years of words and deeds to the contrary, but you ARE worthy and you ARE lovable and you DESERVE to be with someone who cherishes you.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you can’t be stupid about your leaving. You have to be safe and consider the safety of yourself and your family, but that doesn’t lock you into staying in an unhealthy relationship for the rest of your life. Shake your body like a dog fresh out of the bathtub. Do it again. And one more time. Scream YES as loud as you can (even if it has to be on the inside). Now square your shoulders, exhale, and start planning. I know it’s not as easy as me writing these words. Of course it isn’t. Your exit might be quick and easy or it might be a long, arduous journey. Either way, you will get tired – changing the way you see yourself is invigorating, trying, challenging, exhausting, and liberating. It takes practice to see yourself in a new way, it takes patience to let your bones convince yourself that you are worthy. But it’s doable. And we are here cheering you on. We want you to succeed. We want you to see yourself the way we see you. The world needs you to live into your own bigness, and you cannot do that while under the thumb and under the control of a monster.

panes

Pane

i cleaned windows today.

on one,
i used
glass cleaner,
paper towels,
and elbow grease.

on the other,
i used
honesty,
love,
and
trust.

i can see clearly now.

seeing spots

Dyinga6

Dyinga9

sometimes death comes
at the hand of
natural causes,
sometimes death comes
at the hand of
freak accidents,
and
sometimes death comes
at the hand of
man and woman’s inhumanity
to man and woman.

it’s hard
there’s no doubt about that,
but if you can pause,
take a deep breath,
and look death
right square in the eye,
if you can hold yourself steady
and gaze at it long and hard
from a place of curiosity
and wonder,
if you can stay
instead of running away
at the first possible moment,
sometimes,
every now and then,
you see spots of beauty.

Dyinga12

looking for that bridge over troubled water

Haze

be a good girl.
think about others first.
don’t be selfish
or stuck up
or conceited.
play nice.
share.
wait your turn.

it’s your turn now.
go for it.
who cares what other people think?
if it pleases you, that’s enough.

i’m so confused. i’m so damn confused.

write the book you want to read.
comes a time when you have to consider your readers.

so which is it?

if i do something just because i enjoy it, that’s okay, right? well, what if i want somebody else to like it, too?
what if i want somebody else to value my work, my creativity, my contribution?

back in the days when i was trekking around speaking professionally, some high falutin’ fella made money hand over fist by saying something like you can accomplish anything – anything at all – as long as you don’t mind who gets the credit. to which i always thought: bullshit. i mean maybe that’s true on paper, but if i do the work, make the effort, create something that didn’t exist before, by golly i want credit for it.

then somebody throws “ego” into the mix and scolds me for having one.

they remind me that i’m supposed to look the other way, turn the other cheek and all that but hey, let me tell you something: according to my cousin who is Somebody Who Should Know, to turn the other cheek was actually a call to civil disobedience back in the day. it wasn’t rising above and refusing to wallow with pigs knowing that you’d both get dirty, it wasn’t letting yourself be a doormat or a booster seat for somebody else, it was a means of entrapment.

maybe it’s supposed to be enough that i value my own contributions, but maybe that doesn’t always play out in real life. maybe that’s why i’m so angry lately when i get to stewing about aging and leaving a legacy and not having one to leave on account of i’m supposed to be downright giddy with happiness that somebody else took the credit for something i did or said pffffft to something i created or overlooked me cause let’s face it, unless it says something real cute, how many people actually look at the doormat anyway?

sigh.
whoever said aging isn’t for sissies
sure knew what she was talking about.

i’m so vain, and yes this post is about me

Hhi1

last week
i noticed that my arms now
look more like my mother’s
than my daughter’s.
and that set me to thinking a lot about aging.
wondering where my life has gone
how it’s been spent.
i find myself spending a lot of time
pondering (and fretting a wee bit, truth be known)
about getting older.
about leaving my mark.
about life leaving its marks on me.

today i walked along the beach
noticing the beautiful variety of ways
the passage of time
leaves its mark on nature.

Hhi8

Hhi9

Hhhi6

Hhi11

Hhi2

Hhi10

and honestly, i can’t help but wish
that mother nature was as kind to my skin
as she is to the sand.

the first man i ever gave my whole heart to (& i’d do it again in a snap)

Daddy2

today is my daddy’s birthday,
and he’s not here to celebrate.
because he died way, way, way too early,
my daddy did, and
i spend part of every single day missing him,
wishing i could tuck my hand in his big, rough hand with the pudgy fingers.
wishing i could feel him scoop me up in his arms,
biting his bottom lip as though he needed to do that
to keep from hugging me with the full force of his love
and breaking my ribs.
what i wouldn’t give
to hear him call me doll or hon,
to see his shoulders reach up
to touch his ears
as he cackled in laughter.
i’d love to hear him tell me
his stories just one more time,
to take him to breakfast
or anywhere, for that matter.

i still have the note,
you know,
a handwritten thank you note
(not something Daddy was known for)
thanking me for taking him
to a new restaurant just down the road
for breakfast biscuits.
“This has been the best day of my life,”
he wrote.
the best day of his life.
and all i did was take him out for a biscuit.

something i wish i’d done much more often.

~~ ::: ~~

today’s altar: reminisce

more about 365 Altars here

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