+ Her Barefoot Heart

Year: 2012 (Page 21 of 29)

For As Long As I Can Remember

MomWBabyJeanne1

Dear Mother,

Though we are drastically different, we remain connected in ways I am only beginning to get my heart around . . .

You love to entertain, and you amaze me with your ability to whisk a few things from here and there and over yonder then group them in the center of the table – atop that tablecloth you embroidered when you were younger or the tablecloth you got on that trip to southern California or maybe the tablecloth that once belonged to your mother – to create a fetching table that invites folks to come, eat, stay a while.

You love to cook, and in all the meals I’ve eaten at your table, I only remember one inedible dish – a meal that’s come to be known as The Night The Gravy Went Horribly Awry. After a full day of work followed by grocery shopping followed by cooking and setting the table, you were too tired to notice us pushing the gravy around on our plates. You were too tired to notice all the leftover gravy as we cleared the table, scraping all leftovers into a communal leftover vessel that was put down on the floor to treat the cat. You were too tired to notice how the cat sniffed the gravy, then turned around and began to try to cover it up by raking bits of debris from the floor.

(Whatever happened to that cat, anyway?)

Though we each have our favorite foods we never tire of having you prepare for us, you delight in collecting cookbooks, stretching their spines as you put colorful gem clips on pages of recipes you want to try out. They line an entire bookcase in your home, all these cookbooks picked up as souvenirs from trips or accepted as gifts given, and you can (and do) tell the story of each one . . . sometimes offering it before we even think to ask.

The original social butterfly, you never letting a birthday go by unnoticed. How you have the time to keep up and stay in touch with so many friends is beyond me. But you do, and it’s not an obligation – you enjoy every minute.

Through the years, you’ve saved your money and purchased some fine furniture pieces – some I sure wish you still had so I could put my name on them. Whether it’s furniture or lamps or rugs or accessories or wall color or even switchplate covers, you create rooms that invite comfortable gatherings sprinkled with food (of course) and conversation and laughter.

You never met a plant who didn’t thrive in your care. The birds can’t wait for spring to come to your backyard, plants race to break through the soil and vie for your loving attention, your flowers provide color that dazzles and pleases even the most contrary and grumpy eye. You are one of those rare gardeners who doesn’t have to pay attention to the growing zones. Even the most neglected or out-of-place plants want to do you proud.

You taught me how to tell time . . . not with a watch or numbers written in a circle, but with clothes. Always one to keep up with the latest fashions, you have a knack for buying clothes and accessories that never go out of style. You dressed me in clothes that gave me confidence and that can’t-touch-me feeling, and though I can’t tell you what year anything happened, I can sure tell you what I was wearing at the time (and probably where we bought it).

Beauty.

That’s what you taught me: beauty. You taught me the importance of beauty, of surrounding myself with it, of acquiring and enjoying it without apology. You taught me to have beauty in mind at all times, to always keep an eye out for beauty, to appreciate it when I see it, and to create it every chance I get. And the best part? you didn’t teach me by having me read a book or by telling me things and following up with a test. You taught me by living it – living it every day in every way. And that, more than anything else I can think of, is what I thank you for today.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you more than that set of encyclopedias you petitioned Santa to bring me that one year.

J-one
a.k.a. Jeanne,
your Favorite

MomWithBabyJeanne2

Life’s Toolbox

TJTheGraduate

Dear TJ,

You’ve built a life for yourself at Woodward Academy over the past twelve years, and for the most part, this basic set of tools you’ve acquired will serve your well. As you go from here, however, you will encounter other situations that may require other tools. You’ll pick up and accumulate the other tools you need, acquiring them from all sorts of places. When in doubt about tool selection or if you need to acquire a tool you don’t have, ask advice and/or help from someone you trust, a wise person who has your best interest at heart more than their own personal agenda.

Be careful who you loan your tools to. If you loan your tools out and they are not returned, don’t hesitate to march right over and demand your tool back. Some people just won’t value your tools, and that’s okay. Sure, it can sting a bit, but that’s just the way it is. They can go get their own tools. Or not. Just don’t make it a habit to loan your tools to people who don’t value them.

People may tell you that for every job, there’s only one tool that will do. Pffffft. Don’t you ever be afraid to try different tools – you might find that they work just fine. Some things come with step-by-step instructions that are clearly written and easily understood, but many things you’ll just have to figure out yourself through good old-fashioned tenacity, open-mindedness, and hard work. The best things you will ever build are worth the effort, and though it may be messy and difficult and frustrating in the middle, if you stick to it, you’ll finish with a sense of satisfaction, memories of the fun you had, and a well of confidence you can draw from for the rest of your life.

If you take care of your tools, they will last a lifetime. Oil your tools and store them properly so they will not deteriorate from non-use. Sharpen your tools when needed, and remember that some tools need to be recharged periodically. Take care of your tools, and they will always be ready to take care of you.

These tools will help you deconstruct, build, and repair some things. For other things, rely on your heart, your bones, and the people you trust. Remember that sometimes things must be torn down and taken apart before you can begin, and that now – more than any other point in your life so far – YOU are the one responsible for the life you build.

I love you.

I am proud of you.

Now, go. Scoot. Build yourself a life you can be proud of.

And don’t you ever forget that I love you more than my cutest shoes,

Jeanne

i told you stupid things. thanks for not listening

AlisonRedDress1

when you are young
i tell you to hold my hand
when crossing the street,
and you do.

i tell you to eat your vegetables
and you do.

i tell you to put your coat on
before going out in the snow
and you do.

i tell you not to run with a pencil
and you don’t.

you get older
and the lines blur.
things get more confusing,
less clear . . .

i tell you how to flirt,
but you’re not interested
in silly games
designed solely to capture the attention
of boys.

i tell you that you have to invite
everybody in your class,
but you don’t because
you don’t like everybody in your class.
you don’t want to spend time with them in class,
and you certainly don’t want to spend your life outside class with them.

i tell you to wear comfortable shoes,
but you wear those shoes with 3″ heels
because they make you smile.

i tell you not to run for political office,
but you run for state legislature
and wind up in a runoff with the
career politician
because you love this country
and want to make a difference.

i tell you that you can’t save every stray cat,
and you make cat food your american express –
never leaving home without it
because while you might not be able to
bring them all home,
you can at least feed them.

i tell you that when on a small budget,
keeping yourself in fresh flowers is an
extravagant and avoidable expense,
and you surround yourself with them anyway,
in pretty vases throughout the house
and scattered in every patch of sunshine
in your yard
because you find them beautiful.

i tell you nobody needs that many silk robes
even if it does cost $5 at the thrift shop,
and you get it anyway
because it feels good against your skin.

moxie . . .

for all the times i confused
keeping you small
with keeping you safe,
when what i really wanted to say is
take up as much room as you need.
for all the times i sounded for all the world
like i want you to be like everybody else
when what i really want more than anything
is for you to be you, regardless.
for all the times i said anything that implied
i want you to let other people define and determine your worthiness,
when all i ever wanted from day one is for you to listen
to your own bones and let them tell you every single day
in a myriad of languages
“you are talented
you are beautiful
you are worthy,”
i apologize.

over the years,
i told you these things (and more)
in a variety of ways
subtle and dramatic.
when i really meant to tell you
just the opposite.

the minute you were born
i became a mother
and a switch flipped
way down deep inside me,
routing my heart to be concerned
with your safety
and that safety became its own language
that sounds for all the world
like i want to keep you small,
like i want you to blend.

i guess i turned stupid because
i never wanted you to be hurt
(i still don’t)
and yet i know that i can’t protect you every minute of ever day.
and even if i could, i wouldn’t deny you the opportunity to be hurt
to learn who to trust and who not to trust,
to learn who to call
and who to never speak to again.
to learn at the hand of pain
just how strong and resilient
and beautiful and worthy
and powerful
you truly are.

so

for all the times i said stupid things
(even though they were said with the very best intentions),
thank you for not listening to me.
thank you for always dancing to your own internal orchestra
to dressing to the tune of your own internal stylist
to singing to the tune of your own internal mother who was,
so many times,
much, much wiser than i.


[::]

p.s. “all” is figurative, you understand.
for example, when i tell you to slow down when driving,
i still think you should listen to me.

p.s. 2 that woman, that “mental health professional” who once drew up a dress code for you?
i should’ve punched her lights out
instead of wasting my life trying to talk to her.
people like that one don’t understand ordinary language.

p.s. 3 again, thank you for holding onto your self
even through all my stupid.

p.s. 4 all these things are quite true,
but please
don’t make me regret saying them.

p.s. 5 in case it doesn’t come through:
i adore you.
i absolutely adore you
and am honored beyond description
to be your mother.


happy birthday, my precious daughter.

now let’s go shopping and spend that birthday money!

absence

Grief1

“I’ve stopped for some ice cream,” he said into his cell phone,
standing in the center of the ice cream shop,
talking loud enough for all of us
and those in the sandwich shop next door to hear.
“Do you want me to bring you something, hon?”
And in that single question
from the lips of a man I’ve never seen before
and will never see again,
I missed my Daddy in what can only be called
a tsunami of tremendous ache
that lingers right beneath the surface,
regardless of how many calendar pages I’ve torn off.

~~ :: ~~

release

Elease1

and then the day came
when she opened her fingers,
relaxing the chokehold she had
on things that no longer seemed
so important.

and in that releasing,
the fronds of her heart unfurled,
the leaves becoming steps
allowing entry to
more goodness
than she’d dared
dream possible.

~~ :: ~~

today’s altar: release

egress/ingress

Elease1

and then the day came
when she opened her fingers,
relaxing the chokehold she had
on things that no longer seemed
so important.

and in that releasing,
the fronds of her heart unfurled,
the leaves becoming steps
allowing entry to
more goodness
than she’d dared
dream possible.

~~ :: ~~

today’s altar: release

More about 365 Altars

marking time, 1

Realize

stitching.
quietly.
pondering.
it’s a good way to spend some time
every now ‘n then.
wish i could do it more often.
perhaps i should work on that
cause creativity is as necessary
as oxygen,
if you ask me.

marking time

Realize

stitching.
quietly.
pondering.
it’s a good way to spend some time
every now ‘n then.
wish i could do it more often.
perhaps i should work on that
cause creativity is as necessary
as oxygen,
if you ask me.

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