untitled because i have no idea what to call this

vines.jpg

i’ve been offline for far too long, tending to things that simply have to be done.
well, guess what: writing has to be done, too.
writing is my life raft,
my ticket to worlds beyond where i shop for groceries,
my train to discoveries and quarries and ores.

i think better when i write.

keep my fingers away from the keyboard for too long, and my thoughts become fuzzy, uncertain, timid.
let my fingers romp regularly, and i’m confident, clear, (more) courageous.
let my fingers languish too long, and i slouch.
let my fingers dance with words daily, and i smile more – inside and out – and stand taller, too.

away = small.
write here = abundance.

away = alone.
write here = connections.

away = shallow panting.
write here = slow, deep breathing.

when i’m away from writing, my to do list that grows more than it wanes.
when i’m write here, i’m actually (and strangely) more productive.

when i don’t write, my brain chases its tail, going faster and faster and faster.
when i take the time to write, my soul has time to exhale and take a look around,
turn over rocks,
and roll down hills without worrying about grass stains.

when i don’t write, 2 + 2 = 4.
when i do write, i am quick to note that i just say 2 + 2 = 4
because that’s what most people are comfortable with,
all the while rubik-cubing ways that 2 + 2 = all sorts of different answers.

when i don’t write, the world is reduced to faded primary colors.
when i do write, there are at least 64,000 different colors – and it’s not the least bit overwhelming.

i don’t write, i get cranky.
i do write, and well, okay: i sometimes still get cranky.

i don’t write, and it becomes harder to write.

i don’t write, and it becomes harder to think of something to write about.

so why don’t i write daily?

the readily available and easy answer is: there’s not enough time.
but we both know that i have the same amount of time that everybody else has,
i just choose to spend it differently.
i mean, if i had diabetes,
i’d make time to check my blood glucose levels and take insulin, right?

perhaps the common answer is fear.
afraid that my writing sucks,
that i’ll be rejected,
that i’ll just have to go eat worms.

but truth be known,
there’s something else:
a little something we like to call guilt.
for more years than i care to think about,
my adorable husband
has trekked off to a job he never wanted
and doesn’t much like.
so why should i get to do something i enjoy?
i mean, really, what makes me so damned special?
if he’s miserable, it seems only fair that i should be miserable, too, right?
isn’t that why we learned equations in high school?

so merrily we roll along.

this time writing hasn’t solved anything, but
i’ve clarified it,
sat it on the table,
and that counts.

37 Comments

  1. Kate T.W.

    Yay! So glad that you are back. And I love this.
    .-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..Part of the Human Heart: Celebrating Haiti’s Strength =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      thanks, kate. and now that i’ve posted my words, i’m looking forward to spending the day reading all the words i’ve missed over the past coupla weeks. my google reader is on the verge of explosion! xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..untitled because i have no idea what to call this =-.

  2. Kate T.W.

    Yay! So glad that you are back. And I love this.
    .-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..Part of the Human Heart: Celebrating Haiti’s Strength =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      thanks, kate. and now that i’ve posted my words, i’m looking forward to spending the day reading all the words i’ve missed over the past coupla weeks. my google reader is on the verge of explosion! xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..untitled because i have no idea what to call this =-.

  3. Lindsey

    Gorgeous and true words. I related to the lines here, which throb pulse, animate with your awareness and reality.
    And what a picture. Makes me consider the beauty that can exist in barrenness.
    Thank you.

    • whollyjeanne

      hey lindsey, thank you. i try to use just my own photos, snapping at least one every day (it’s my version of participating in shuttersisters), and that picture is one of my faves. it’s vines making themselves at home on a wall at the getty museum in los angeles (one of my favorite places to just be). xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..untitled because i have no idea what to call this =-.

  4. Lindsey

    Gorgeous and true words. I related to the lines here, which throb pulse, animate with your awareness and reality.
    And what a picture. Makes me consider the beauty that can exist in barrenness.
    Thank you.

    • whollyjeanne

      hey lindsey, thank you. i try to use just my own photos, snapping at least one every day (it’s my version of participating in shuttersisters), and that picture is one of my faves. it’s vines making themselves at home on a wall at the getty museum in los angeles (one of my favorite places to just be). xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..untitled because i have no idea what to call this =-.

  5. Square-Peg Karen

    Oh, dear Jeanne – this is the first thing I’ve gotten to on the computer this morning (and it’s almost NOT morning) — and now i’m getting off the computer again for a few hours – and i feel so glad that your post is the first (and only – for awhile) thing I saw — you’re back on the raft and we can dangle our toes in the water and splash each other and pass around Margharita’s and sunblock and laugh and maybe even cry a teeny bit — I’m SO glad you’re back in (the water)/on (the raft)…

    anyone got crazy glue we can put under Jeanne’s hiney? we don’t want her to get off the raft again, do we?

    Much love to you.

  6. Square-Peg Karen

    Oh, dear Jeanne – this is the first thing I’ve gotten to on the computer this morning (and it’s almost NOT morning) — and now i’m getting off the computer again for a few hours – and i feel so glad that your post is the first (and only – for awhile) thing I saw — you’re back on the raft and we can dangle our toes in the water and splash each other and pass around Margharita’s and sunblock and laugh and maybe even cry a teeny bit — I’m SO glad you’re back in (the water)/on (the raft)…

    anyone got crazy glue we can put under Jeanne’s hiney? we don’t want her to get off the raft again, do we?

    Much love to you.

  7. Amanda

    What an excellent thing to wake up to. Welcome home. You’ve been sorely missed.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..How to Rock Responsibility Without Being a Grown-Up =-.

  8. Amanda

    What an excellent thing to wake up to. Welcome home. You’ve been sorely missed.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..How to Rock Responsibility Without Being a Grown-Up =-.

  9. Acey

    gotta admit I am very relieved you will not abandon this blog or, not to put too fine a point on it, yourself …
    .-= Acey´s last blog ..I have been dreading this … =-.

  10. Acey

    gotta admit I am very relieved you will not abandon this blog or, not to put too fine a point on it, yourself …
    .-= Acey´s last blog ..I have been dreading this … =-.

  11. emma

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve missed you or how joyous I am that you have returned. And my 2 cents? Guilt has no place in your heart or your life. It’s an energy sap. This world needs authentic voices; you can, do and will do more good for yourself, your husband and humanity by living in joy. Writing brings you joy. SO WRITE! And that voice of judgement? FIRE IT NOW. xoxo
    .-= emma´s last blog ..My Dooce Moment =-.

  12. emma

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve missed you or how joyous I am that you have returned. And my 2 cents? Guilt has no place in your heart or your life. It’s an energy sap. This world needs authentic voices; you can, do and will do more good for yourself, your husband and humanity by living in joy. Writing brings you joy. SO WRITE! And that voice of judgement? FIRE IT NOW. xoxo
    .-= emma´s last blog ..My Dooce Moment =-.

  13. Bonnie

    Jeanne!! So glad you’re back and with your wonderful insights and way of expressing your realizations.

    A wondrous exploration – I love turning over the rocks and rolling down the hills especially. And therein lies the conclusion: maybe “guilt.” I get it. As I write this, I get it:

    “When you get done there, I need your help with one of these items. Just taking the top off and setting it down.” (He’s moving furniture.) And I smile. Because I’ve just typed that line about “guilt.” And he strides down the hallway to me and says, “my smiling writer” and seals it with a kiss on my forehead. And he lopes away. And then he calls from the other room, “Ah I found another nail file.”

    These guys, like us being happy, so what the hell…let’s give them what they want!! 😉

    ~Bonnie
    .-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Post by Email Wrapup =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      you’re exactly right, my friend. if my hubbie would only complain every now and then, it’d make it so much easier on me;)
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..costume jewelry =-.

  14. Bonnie

    Jeanne!! So glad you’re back and with your wonderful insights and way of expressing your realizations.

    A wondrous exploration – I love turning over the rocks and rolling down the hills especially. And therein lies the conclusion: maybe “guilt.” I get it. As I write this, I get it:

    “When you get done there, I need your help with one of these items. Just taking the top off and setting it down.” (He’s moving furniture.) And I smile. Because I’ve just typed that line about “guilt.” And he strides down the hallway to me and says, “my smiling writer” and seals it with a kiss on my forehead. And he lopes away. And then he calls from the other room, “Ah I found another nail file.”

    These guys, like us being happy, so what the hell…let’s give them what they want!! 😉

    ~Bonnie
    .-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Post by Email Wrapup =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      you’re exactly right, my friend. if my hubbie would only complain every now and then, it’d make it so much easier on me;)
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..costume jewelry =-.

  15. Dian Reid

    i’ve got glue. crazy glue. super glue. elmer’s wood glue. and rubber cement….take your pick, sister, you’re here to stay!! but umm, don’t use it all, i need some, too…

    this post is a wake-up call…seems to me that every post of yours i read lately, regardless of when you’ve written it, is timely and speaks to me. so glad you’re back, my new friend. virtual *cheers* to you and your beautiful, bold, barefoot soul and heart.
    .-= Dian Reid´s last blog ..Five-For-Five Adventure =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      well, dian, i think i’m gonna’ print your lovely, supportive words right out and post them within eye sight. xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..costume jewelry =-.

  16. Dian Reid

    i’ve got glue. crazy glue. super glue. elmer’s wood glue. and rubber cement….take your pick, sister, you’re here to stay!! but umm, don’t use it all, i need some, too…

    this post is a wake-up call…seems to me that every post of yours i read lately, regardless of when you’ve written it, is timely and speaks to me. so glad you’re back, my new friend. virtual *cheers* to you and your beautiful, bold, barefoot soul and heart.
    .-= Dian Reid´s last blog ..Five-For-Five Adventure =-.

    • whollyjeanne

      well, dian, i think i’m gonna’ print your lovely, supportive words right out and post them within eye sight. xo
      .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..costume jewelry =-.

  17. TheWordWire

    Oh what a terrific post! Who wants to live in a world where everything fades to primary colors and 2+2 only = 4? Write sister, write!
    .-= TheWordWire´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Death Valley in Bloom =-.

  18. TheWordWire

    Oh what a terrific post! Who wants to live in a world where everything fades to primary colors and 2+2 only = 4? Write sister, write!
    .-= TheWordWire´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Death Valley in Bloom =-.

  19. Susan Reep

    Oh yes Jeanne. The feeling that during the day, you shouldn't read a book, write, do anything that isn't “productive” working. It's hard for us females to leave that behind. Why is it so hard for women to be people sometimes? Maybe I'll write about that.

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