in the middle of a muddle

Utahfierceandbeautiful

how does this blog fit into my life? do i even dare ask: how does this blog fit neatly into my life? no, that seems a completely different question that speaks to writing in the midst of interruptions and such, so i’ll choose the question i led with: how does this blog fit into my life?

that’s a question i’ve been asking myself of late. i don’t want to give up the blog, you see, cause i look forward to being here and i miss being here when i’m not . . . and yet it’s like fiddling with a Rubik’s cube to figure this out. is this little acre in the ethers a journal, a therapist’s couch, a postcard, lunch with friends? it’s a question that pops up every year or so for me, and i think it’s a conversation worth having, though i’d almost rather get a root canal without anesthesia. i count myself lucky that it’s a conversation i can have with my friend angela, and following angela’s good lead, i’m analyzing the blogs i enjoy regularly in terms of what i like about them and why i keep reading (even if i don’t always leave a comment. which is another conversation i’m having with myself.). she has a really good system – you should ask her about it sometime.

on any given day, my life looks like a woman trying to sip water from a fully-loaded firehose. i hugely – enormously – admire women who can pluck jewel or three from their day and write about it clearly and succinctly and interestingly. me? i just see the steady stream of water, not the individual drops. i’ve tried pretending i’m writing letters to friends. i’ve tried pretending that my kids are interested enough to drop in and see what mom’s up to. i’ve tried pretending i’m throwing parties here. and still i question: how much to reveal? what to write about? how often to post?

and to further complicate things, the more i stay away, the deeper the hole gets, the harder it is for me to isolate a single thing to write about because as we’ve already established, i’m not good at plucking, and honestly, maybe i’m not smart enough or aware enough or whatever enough, but the thing is: i just don’t have an epiphany a day. it’s with a bit of a red face that i tell you i can go years before the lightbulb goes off.

it might be easier had i information to impart, but i don’t. i really don’t. and to tell you the truth, i’m kinda’ tired of hearing and seeing all these offers from folks who will tell me how to make every inch, every aspect of my life better ’cause i know it’s ultimately up to me. and right now, that’s precisely what i’m doing: seeking ways to live the life with my name on it, to live it with gusto, sass, abandon, and sparkle ratcheted up so much i need sunglasses to brush my hair.

so, sigh.

9 Comments

  1. Susan

    You may not think that you have anything to write about but you just did it–and did it well. Share when the urge hits and if you don’t feel like it, don’t bother. You own your blog and that means that you get to set the expectations. Make of it what you like and your readers will still be here for you because your writing will be “real” because when you choose to write something, it won’t just be forced drivel.

    • whollyjeanne

      that sounds so simple, sugar. such a relief. thank you for the clarity and reassurance.

    • Jane Cunningham

      oh i agree with Susan… sharing what matters… one day it might be about the depths of your heart, one day it might be about the annoyance of being the only one who replaces the toilet rolls (ok i am projecting here obviously) but just being WHOLLY JEANNE is what counts.. the blog doesn’t have to be any one thing… as you say you are the whole stream honey… a big juicy clear vibrant waterfall… a little trickle will not do xxx

      • whollyjeanne

        sugar, i feel such a relief. i put these damn restraints on myself, you know and . . .

      • whollyjeanne

        Sugar, you and Susan are godsends.

  2. sarah

    you see even this wary query has some evocative and revelatory qualities. i can’t imagine anyone with a discursive blog avoids this question unless they’ve created a form and tied themselves to it. yet even they can’t come up with quotes every day or an image or a diatribe … what if you set aside the judgment of it and imagine that it is purely communication without a target “who.” frankly, no one ever comments on my blog and few publicly follow it or “like” it, so i imagine most people see it through random searches and are disappointed that it isn’t what they were looking for “about ankles” or something… times are that i barely write in it. then there are posts that i wonder why on earth i even post them. but if i go back and read from year’s ago, they astonish me. perhaps that is why i do it. so that i can see these posts and experience my own thinking out loud. i expect to vanish none-the-less. one of my goals is to distribute all my stuff first so that in the end, it is as it was before: hearts beating, animals breathing, the wind blowing the leaves around and the sound of a bird somewhere unseen. i’d miss you if you stopped. this is where we “met.” and it actually does provide just such a place to find each other. how strangely wonderful is that?

    • whollyjeanne

      sarah, you always open a window for me. i read your lovely, quiet words, and the lightbulb goes off. thank you. xo

  3. ☆little light☆

    your words are your song..or maybe they are a footprint of where you are? where you have been? I have no idea what the purpose of a blog is, I only know I am grateful for the lives that it has intersected with mine..
    ahh well, no wise words here~grin~

    • whollyjeanne

      ah, but they are wise words, sug.

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