ten years ago today, my daddy died. if you have a minute, read about it here. it’s a pretty amazing story, if i do say so myself. (hint: scroll down and start at the 10th paragraph. i spent the first 8 paragraphs linking the post to that day’s prompt (a year later, i don’t bother), and the 9th paragraph, well, we’ll call it a segue cause honestly, i have no idea how that made it to print.)
i shed tears as prayers of remembrance and gratitude
i chide myself for wallowing.
i crave darkness
i turn all the lights on.
i spew words and send emails to people who rock as my rocks
i scold myself for letting people see me like this.
i long to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away
i choose to honor daddy and my self by leaning into this tender bruise.
i am tempted to stay in my floppy flannel pajamas all day long
i hear the ole familiar “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
and know that
only pretty girls can get away with such indulgences.
i forego today’s walk
and eat cookies
and do little
the occasional blog.
i ask myself:
did i do all that i could do?
was it wrong to give him permission
should i have knocked on
door after door after door
until some physician eventually healed?
one thing i do not do
is make my daddy more in death
than he was in life.
he was not perfect.
i wouldn’t ache for him so
if he had been.
This post is (loosely) (or maybe creatively sounds better) written in response to today’s #reverb10 prompt:
Q: What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
A: Lately everything contributes to my writing. And nothing – nothing at all – was gonna’ come between me and my writing on this day.
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