writings – Page 66 – Jeanne Hewell-Chambers

who am i kidding? declaring independence day from what? i have a fabulous life, but i have put everybody (read: family) on notice that i’m slowing down and sloughing off. i say i’m taking control of my life . . . but jeez – taking control of WHAT???? i just want to live the day noticing things, not running ragged and falling in bed at night wondering where did the time go and what time i have to get up the next day to get it all done. i’m tired of the checklist life. want to be able to say to hell with productivity. i mean, really: productivity for who? i want to sit and read without feeling guilty. i want to write my little stories without feeling the need to justify and explain and sell them for them to be worthwhile. i want to do yoga and go to walk without worrying about all the things i need to be doing instead of lolly-gagging around.

all this nagging and fussing comes from me and me alone – let me be real clear about that. but where on earth did i learn such a language? why, i think i need to march myself right in there and wash my mouth out with soap. where did i pick up and embrace the notion that one must be productive to be worthwhile? (don’t even waste your time suggesting that productive is different to everybody – i’ve tried that with my self and my self just isn’t buying it.)

we’re in n.c. right now where the rhododendrons are in various stages of bloom. and at the same time i’m completely mesmerized with the soft pink rhodo blooms, i’m struck silly by a colorful leaf floating down off the tree.

an orangeish/yellowish leaf.

in early july.

i’ve long noticed that women i know and love are like fall leaves: when their chlorophyll stops production is when they turn colorful and let go of the tree.

now i’m playing with thoughts of how maaaaaybe that’s only a part of it. maaaaaaaybe the women i know and love are green leaves, blooming rhododendrons, and colorful leaves all at once. maybe there’s something lingering, something bursting, something in full bloom, something waning, and something turned colorful in all of us. all at once. all in one single life. maybe even in a single calendar-blind day.

it makes no sense, but here i am. at the new place. in the new digital digs.

we moved (now i’ve switched to physical shelter) earlier this year – didn’t mean to, we just stumbled onto this little piece of heaven and, well, it captured our hearts and we moved . . . something i really hope i never do again. i mean, really: where did all that stuff come from??? and i’m no packrat, but good gracious there was a lot to move.

getting everything from one place to the other and unpacking wasn’t a bit of fun, but nesting. oh, how i do love nesting. and maybe that’s why i wanted a new digital home in spite of the fact that moving wreaks unbelievable havoc and eats up an unbelievable amount of clock.

see, i have this keen craving to slow my life down to a saunter instead of race; to live every day as though i’m on vacation; to explore things that interest me without bothering to even try to explain or justify or apologize that they might be a waste of time or non-productive or illogical . . . and that is precisely what i’ll be doing here: auditioning things that interest me just because they interest me and pursuing them until my attention is captured by something else. what i really want/intend to do is take the leash and muzzle off and let my barefoot heart romp, traipsing through briars and across soft mosses; skipping through open fields and finding my way through the dark of forests. maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the whatever-year itch, maybe it’s just time.

and so i shall. though i will continue to honor my responsibilities, today is, in oh so many ways, my independence day.