+ Her Barefoot Heart

Tag: stitchings (Page 15 of 36)

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It was chilly when we went to the storytelling festival, so I bought a shawl, and now I’m embellishing it with Nancy’s drawings and maybe a poem or two to help me memorize them. It’s something I want to do – memorize quotes and poems and poem fragments that fill me up. Here’s the first one. Angela sent it to me just when I needed it.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore.

Naomi Shihab Nye

I will say it and stitch it, I will wrap it around me till I know it by heart and it becomes a part of me.

[ :: ]

If you’d like to be part of a digital gratitude quilt, go right here.

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning.

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Things are lining up here as I work to get some traction in my life. After a good strategizing conversation with Lisa Call on Sunday night, I researched and ordered some silk batting. It feels absolutely exquisite, but I fear it may still provide more loft than I want the finished product to have. I want this cloth to be delicate, to move with the most gentle of gentle breezes. We’re still a ways away from that, though, mostly because I am in the throes of NaNoWriMo, spending most of my time penning 5k words each day (the word count for today is at 7858, ah were that possible every day!) through this-coming Sunday. Usually the goal is to write 1667 words a day (or 2k for an over achiever like me), but I’m dedicating to finishing early this year, so I can enjoy a guilt-free Thanksgiving break.

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~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning.

136, Envoy: Little Moon

Today it’s “she draws”:

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And “she stitches” because today we have a guest stitcher:

136a

none other than Little Moon, the daughter of Illuminary, Envoy in her own right.

136c

Illuminary and I tuck each other in nightly, so I occasionally hear about Little Moon – about how charming and talented and smart she is – and when Illuminary told me what Little Moon said about Nancy’s cloth making her feel free, I up and asked if she wanted to stitch one. Fortunately she accepted, and today she finished this afternoon, sending these adorable photos.

163d

(Isn’t that mermaid adorable? There’s a great story behind it. Get Illuminary to tell it to you sometime.) I forgot to ask Little Moon what kind of stitch she used, but it looks great from here, doesn’t it? Thank you, Little Moon. You’re a real treasure.

136b

~~~~~~~~~

Nancy is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

wondering

Story

i continue to remember and explore and plan and imagine and sometimes I stomp my feet or swat the air with a loud “Pfffft.” Other times I weep and wail, my body wracking from the release and recognition and realization. Angela and I talk about what we want engraved on our tombstones and simultaneously decide we do not want our legacy to be “She helped a lot of people.”

That shocks both of us. We’re Good Girls From The South. We know better than to say such a thing. We know we were bred to help others. We know there’s no higher calling, no better way to spend a life. We know we ought to be ashamed. We know we just told The Truth.

I wonder who I might have been and how might life might have been different had I thumbed my cute little nose to all the things I’m not supposed to do:

Be attached
Care who gets the credit
Talk about my self
Talk about others
Wear glasses
Get too big for my britches
Draw attention to myself
Be sad
Start an argument
Continue an argument
Carry a grudge
Wrestle with pigs
Talk back
Regret
Cry over spilt milk
Fly over the cuckoo’s nest
Speak up
Speed
Dawdle
Take up too much space
Take more than my fair share
Make too much of it
Be any trouble

I wonder if it’s too late for nose-thumbing.
It feels so good, I wonder why I haven’t done it before.

I wonder if I’m done enough nose-thumbing for now.

This is one time it probably doesn’t matter if I told the truth or not. I start to explain what I mean, even though I’m not really sure. Maybe some explanation – any explanation – will lessen the impact of my words.

I wonder who or what will smite me for saying I don’t want to help people.

~

There’s freedom in hitting bottom, in seeing that you won’t be able to save or rescue your daughter, her spouse, his parents, or your career, relief in admitting you’ve reached the place of great unknowing. This is where restoration can begin, because when you’re still in the state of trying to fix the unfixable, everything bad is engaged: the chatter of your mind, the tension of your physiology,the trunks and wheel-ons you carry from the past. It’s exhausting, crazy-making.

Help us walk through this. Help us come through.

Help.
It is the first great prayer.

Anne Lamott

~

Maybe it’s not that I no longer want to help people, maybe it’s that I don’t want to devote my life to helping other people and when I do set aside some of my life to give to others, I will help them in a different way because maybe – just maybe – the way I’ve been helping hasn’t really been helping at all.

Maybe I need to help myself first. Maybe that is the best – perhaps the only – way to help anybody anyway.

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In the early 1800s, Quakers in York, England developed an alternative form of care for people in mental and emotional distress. Before the Quaker’s “moral therapy,” Benjamin Rush and other prominent colonial physicians bled their patients and kept them tightly bound in a “tranquilizer chair” for long, long hours. Their goal? To make even the most difficult patient “gentle and submissive.” The Quakers knew they didn’t know why people suffered in the throes of madness, but they knew these mad and insane people were still “brethren” and deserved to be treated humanely. They built a small retreat in the country, treating their patients with kindness and providing them with shelter, food, and companionship. Historians note that more than 50 percent were discharged within a year and researchers report that 58 percent of those discharged never returned to a hospital again.

Enter Dorothea Dix lobbing for state legislatures to build government asylums to provide care for those who needed it, and once these asylums were opened, cities and towns dumped all sorts of people there. Mental hospitals grew more and more crowded, and staff more and more overworked. The years encompassing 1900 to 1950 were dark, unimaginable times for the field of mental health.

Over the course of its 126 years of operation, the Willard Psychiatric Center in upstate New York housed over 54,00 people, its last patient transferred to another facility in 1995. Years later, 427 suitcases were discovered in the attic of a building there, and Darby Penney and Peter Stastny selected 10 suitcases and set about reconstructing the lives of the 10 people who brought those suitcases with them when they came to live at Willard. Why? Stastny and Penney knew that these 10 individuals never had the chance to tell their stories outside the context and confines of psychiatry. “Regardless of what might have troubled them, we were struck by the sundering of who they were as people from who they became as mental patients.” Penney and Stastny bring these 10 people to life in a book titled The Lives They Left Behind: Suitcases From a State Hospital Attic.

I found this book years ago while researching a book I have in the wings, and I was reminded of it this morning when Angela emailed me a link to a recent post about a photographer who has done a documentary in photos of the suitcases left behind at Willard. It seems the mentally ill equivalent to the oft-asked question as to what would you grab should your house catch on fire. What did they bring with them when they crossed this threshold?

Nancy is more of a mental disability, but I still wonder what she might pack. Magazines, probably. She searches for magazines like a flea searches for a furry animal. She really doesn’t own much, and what she does own (clothes, bracelets, necklaces, dolls) she’s not deeply attached to. She does like a good watch and a tape player, though. We take her a new watch every time we visit, and Donn, if you’re reading this, she’s asking for a new tape player again this year, and as usual, I promised you’d send her one. You’re welcome.

150a

~~~~~~~~~

Nancy is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

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We watched a 6-part documentary on Auschwitz recently, and I felt chilled to the bone as I heard – not from anything read by the narrator but from an actual television recording – this Nazi propaganda, delivered in the sing-song cadence that marked public speaking in that day and time:

“The German people are unaware of the true extent of all this misery. They are unaware of the depressing atmosphere in these places in which thousands of gibbering idiots must be fed and nursed. They are inferior to any animal. Can we burden future generations with such an inheritance?”

As we listened to the words, we watched films of mentally handicapped, mentally challenged, developmentally delayed people of all ages wandering the grounds at what I can only assume was a mental institution.

The Nazi’s euthanasia program included severely disabled children and adults. Two doctors read reports on selected individuals and made a big red cross on the report to indicate extermination. The doctors never discussed their findings and determinations with each other, and they never so much as laid eyes on the individuals they were condemning to death. The Nazis actually used the disabled population as guinea pigs as they honed their gas chambers routine, luring them to the showers then delivering carbon monoxide through pipes that weren’t even connected to any water source. (Later the Nazis moved from carbon monoxide to something that was more economical and efficient.) By the summer of 1941, some 70,000 disabled people had been killed by the Nazis.

We can NOT rewrite history, turning away from what we find distasteful and appalling and upsetting and even unbelievable. It is NOT okay for us to sweep this under the rug and utter such stupid things as how this would never happen today. We CAN shudder at how closely the German propaganda resembles things we hear broadcast today by all political parties as they point fingers at one another and instill fear in us, and we CAN stop ignoring and dismissing and maligning people who happen to be different from us, people we don’t understand. We CAN make damn sure that we do not fall in line with any regime or party or system that sees human beings as financial expenses and liabilities, cutting costs by cutting care. We CAN and we HAVE TO start thinking for ourselves instead of accepting whatever we are told. We CAN and we HAVE TO start asking good questions and demanding satisfactory answers. We CAN and we HAVE TO use our voices to protect and defend and shelter each other and people like Nancy who can’t do it for themselves. We have to.

We just have to.

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Delighted and honored to be mentioned here and here by my friend Teresa who is one of the most creative, encouraging, supportive people I am fortunate enough to know.

~~~~~~~~~

Nancy is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

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I found I could say things with color and shapes
that I couldn’t say any other way –
things I had no words for.
~ Georgia O’Keeffe ~

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Envoy Noel Rozny has more to say about being an Envoy.

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning.

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20 more cloths before we complete Nancy’s Set 1. I have begun to think about how to pull the cloths together, and as will come as no surprise to those who know me, I have about 30269 ideas. So I’ve booked a call with Lisa Call this weekend to brain dance and strategize. I’m leaning to one idea in particular, and I’ve already started gathering what I’ll need: lots and lots and lots of vintage ladies handkerchiefs. If you know where I can get any, I’m all ears.

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Oh, and we are here today, Nancy and I, tickled to be a part of this project with other people from around the world.

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning

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I don’t mean what other people mean when they speak of a home because I don’t regard a home as a . . . well, as a place, a building . . . a house . . . of wood, bricks, stone. I think of a home as being a thing that two people have between them in which each can . . . well, nest. ~ Tennessee Williams

146a

Today’s drawing speaks to me of mother/daughter. And I didn’t realize it until right now, but it’s photographed in a basket titled “Mother and Daughter” by the artist who created it.

113crows

And speaking of mother/daughter . . . here’s a photo of cloth #113 taken by Envoy Merry at her daughter’s wedding. And the crows? Those beauties were made by Envoy Illuminary (#120).

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning

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She writes of silence, Radka Donnell in Quilts as Women’s Art: A Quilt Poetics, of how in Bulgaris women kept a small stone in their mouth to keep them from talking back or screaming. The stone kept them quiet. Quiet kept them safe. They called it their wisdom stone.

Silence, a verb.

Silence, a noun.

An ebullient, enthusiastic talker as recent as two years ago, Nancy is now quiet. She speaks very little, and when she does say something, it’s barely more than whisper, causing you to focus, tune out, lean in. Do these drawings surface from the recent pharmaceutically-induced silence or do they emerge from a life of physiologically-induced silence?

She draws in silence.

I stitch in silence.

145a

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning

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