+ Her Barefoot Heart

Tag: churnings (Page 9 of 9)

welcome to my so-called writing life

i love this time of day . . . when i’m awake and the world’s asleep. when the cool air teases me, and the quiet bathes me in calmness and confidence. this is the time of day when i know – i just know – that anything is possible. it’s the time of day when my ideas are worthwhile and creative, not a waste of time and crazy. it’s the time of day when the loud call of the stack of to do’s is drowned out by the lure of writing and stitching. it’s the time of day when my shoulders and neck aren’t tensed, when smiles are my native language and my forehead looks freshly botoxed.

the trick, of course, is to capture this feeling and carry it in my pocket throughout the day – even as the world wakes up and stirs and begins its thievery.

in second grade, miss kerlin sat me down and talked me through how to draw a tree. put your finger on the paper, she said, and draw a line on each side of it. when you get to the top of your finger, let the lines branch off towards each corner of the paper, then fill in that “v” with other v’s and fill in those v’s with other v’s and just keep going. there, she said when i was v’ed out, now that’s a tree.

though it didn’t look like any tree that grew in the south, i took her word for it, and to this day, it’s how i draw a tree.

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and a tree is the only thing i draw.

even if nobody recognizes it as a tree.

now you’d think it would be easier to draw lines – straight or even wavy ones, but lines, i tell you, are more of a challenge than trees. trees are vertical tubes, flared at each end, the top flare filled with nested v’s. they grow from the ground to the sky, and completely around whatever gets in their way. lines divide things, cordon off things, define things.

i drew trees in reading (don’t ask) (in sixth grade, i drew wrought iron railings . . . with a ruler) (again i say: don’t ask) and those cute little overlapping circles in math: venn diagrams.

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of course at this point, i’ve written enough for the niggler to wake up and realize – yikes, she’s writing. to answer the first niggling question, i google “venn diagram” because no, i am not absolutely sure that’s what they are called. (yep, venn diagrams: i was right.) (ha.)

and since i didn’t really mean to write about venn diagrams – it’s just where i found myself (the most delicious part of writing) and because lord knows, i couldn’t be the first one to ever write about venn diagrams and life, i felt compelled – absolutely compelled – to google a check.

right again: others have come before me.

(the sun is coming up now, by the way, and the first discernible thing i see is the driveway.) (figures.)

i find this interesting little venn diagram as business-planning-from-a-human-perspecitve schematic, so of course i follow my intriguement to see what else the fella had written, and one link leads to another and in less than a nano i find this story about a writer who wrote his stories in longhand, and when finished, hung each sheet on a wall then retreated to a far away place to edit via telescope.

now i ask you: who could resist the urge to email that little kernel to their boy in colorado?

and now the sun is lighting the world, and the dog is hugely annoyed with the trespassing family of deer (brave – did i mention brave family of deer) (it is deer season here, remember) come to eat the tenacious piddly stumps of plants left over from prior deer feasts. and ms. redbird is back defending her territory (which may be where i was headed with the whole venn diagram thing, who knows?). and the cat makes it known that he misses the dog who’s still outside drawing biological lines – i’m pretty sure they’re lines and not trees – to give the deer what we’ll call a map.

and so it goes.

ever,
jeanne

p.s. for the clouds above the trees, i still sit my pencil aside and glue down cotton balls. i think you can probably tell why.

thoughts from this morning’s walk

sometimes i imagine
that if i could just find me a hole to tuck myself away in, like here:

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or here:

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or maybe even here:

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with an adorable (if overweight) herding dog

to lead me (sometimes called “creative herding”)

off the road and to Just The Right Spot

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perhaps beside a quiet creek

that leads to who knows (or cares, for that matter) where

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i might just commit a fall bloom.

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learning from a bird brain

every morning like clockwork, ms. redbird shows up to defend her space. she’s a tenacious thing, continuing her task despite the would-be distractions of a nosey cat and a growling dog. outsiders are not the issue, you see. ms. redbird tenaciously defends her space from her own reflection, from her own self. when it comes to protecting her personal territory, she is her own worst enemy.

(i posted this on another blog o’mine, now retired, but have decided to resurrect it here because the precious little ole’ bird is still going strong, beginning every morning around 7:00. she has, however, expanded her territory from that one window to 2 bedroom windows and my studio windows.)

lost (then found) in translation

first let me say for the record: i love my vet. LOVE him.

really.

and today was the day to take my 4-legged child to see him (the vet) for the annual vaccines. we both (phoebe, the dog and i) look forward to seeing the vet, and today started out as no exception.

but THEN we got inside . . .

blondeassistantgirl says: ohmygawd, phoebe is SO overweight.

i hear: you are SUCH a sorry excuse for a dog ownerette.

she says: what do you feed her?

i say: kibbles. oh, and bits.

she says: ohmygawd, that’s the WORST POSSIBLE thing you could feed her.

i hear: slut. you sorry, sorry slut. i’ll bet YOU eat the kibbles and leave only the bits for phoebe.

she takes my dog out of the room while i read the nearby archaeology today magazine dated 02/1403 (the novel ideas edition filled with such delectibles as shovels. and dirt). then all too soon, blondassistantgirl re-enters with phoebe and the vet in tow. she lets them enter first then she closes the door and leans against it. smugly, i think. she’s leaning against that door smugly.

vet says: phoebe is SO overweight. if we don’t get some of this weight off, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah dire blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah new meds blah blah blah blah blah reroute blah the fat blah blah cells blah blah blah oh, and hello how are you blah blah blah blah.

i hear: you wicked, wicked, horrible, terrible, scumbag of a pet caregiver. look at you, sitting there. just look at you. look. at you. why you’re just lucky i don’t sick the doggie social workers on you.

vet continues: blah blah blah blah blah blah fat blah blah blah blah weight blah blah blah blah problems blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

i think: yeah, well, i have this friend whose wife was a nutrition consultant AND a personal fitness trainer and one day when she was out in the driveway yelling for her kids to come on because they were going to be late for school, she dropped over. dead before she hit the pavement. and she was not that tall. not as short as me, but not that tall. really. so think about it: she did everything RIGHT, and bless goodness if she didn’t die anyway.

vet: and i can tell you don’t blah blah blah blah brush blah blah blah her teeth blah blah blah on a blah blah blah blah daily basis. blah blah blah problems blah blah blah woe be unto you blah blah blah blah blah.

i sink lower in the seat and hear: i can’t believe this dog is even still alive. how are your children? how’s your mother? husband?

vet checks phoebe’s rear knee joints and says: ohhhh noooooo. i feel the blah blah blah blah blah blahgenning stages of arthritis. blah blah have you noticed any blah blah blah blah blah blah blah change in the way she walks?

i quietly say: nooo . . . ?

to which the vet says: blah blah blah blah well, if you’re SURE you haven’t noticed blah blah blah blah anything different, blah blah blah blah prescription blah blah blah blah blahrthritis blah blah blah blah blah.

which i hear as: of course YOU wouldn’t notice a difference in her gait. she could lose the use of all four of her legs and YOU wouldn’t notice because YOU are NOT . . . and right then i kinda’ made myself stop listening to myself (and the vet) and dove right into a full-fledged pity party, complete with self-reciminations like you wouldn’t believe. the self-flogging went on for a while – blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah drawing boundaries blah blah blah blah blah internalize blah blah blah blah blah blah culminating with something to the effect of when you have spent your life being a caregiver, it’s hard to hear stuff like this spew from the vet’s lips and not take it personally – which actually, i have to say, felt like good, solid justification somehow, and let’s face it: it kept me in that pity party for a while longer. which was fine with me cause i wasn’t nearly ready to leave yet anyway.

blondassistantgirl: that’ll be $175.00

to which i say (on the inside): jeez, you mean to tell me i’m paying $175 for half-hour of scolding, i am so in the wrong business . . . and then i remembered how i paid the dentist more for half-hour of scolding and $175 didn’t seem quite so bad. until i wondered why i would pay ANYBODY to scold me. i mean, i break into hives at the sight of a red pencil . . . which could mean that i don’t handle criticism well – which is something i’ve told myself many times before – and right about then i realize the pity party isn’t nearly over yet, so i talk to phoebe about it all the way home and eventually, finally i get to the core question: why on earth does it matter to me what others think about me? and then – right after i give phoebe a (small) treat – i load up my ipod with tunes that have a really good walking beat (okay, i do the ipod loading after unfolding myself from the fetal position i assumed on the sofa) because beginning tomorrow, miss phoebe and i start hoofing it around the neighborhood.

i will walk until my clothes feel comfortable on me again, and phoebe . . . well, phoebe will walk until my clothes feel comfortable on me again, too. and maybe, just maybe, i’ll eventually walk right on away from worrying so damn much about what others think of me.

you know, i really do need to get out more.

and i don’t mean to the vet’s office.

or the dentist, either.

but now we’re going to bed, my little porker and me, because all that putting words in other people’s mouths is exhausting. absolutely exhausting.

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never too late for epiphanies

being a woman raised in the south (it may be true for other regions, but i’ve only lived in the south so i don’t know), i’ve been on stage all my life: doing things to find myself pleasing to others and saying only nice, safe things that others would not find offensive or threatening. even now i still have a tendency to drop into my sweetest little non-threatening-me-jane-you-obviously-tarzan southern drawl – heavily peppered with self-deprecating humor, of course – when talking to men in positions of authority because i learned long, long ago that it’s the quickest way to get them to do what i know is the right and necessary thing to do.

well, anyway

somewhere along the way, i picked up on the notion that good girls focus only on the positive, turning a blind eye, deaf ear, and closed mouth towards anything that could possibly be construed as negative. it’s a notion that’s deeply embedded . . . which is why i’ve often apologized when talking about all the things that go wrong in a theatrical production.

but just last week, an amazing epiphany came to visit: just because i tell and retell the mishaps and bobbles that are a part of any theatrical production does not mean i’m focusing on the dreaded-and-always-to-be-avoided negative, and it does not mean i’m a despicable person. no, no, no.

how silly that seems now.

stories of what “went wrong” enjoy a tenured and prominent place in literature: the s/hero leaves home, goes out into the world, encounters giants and dragons and all sorts of bad and evil challenges, then – and this is the best part – s/he doesn’t just meet those challenges but overcomes the obstacles in the proverbial road, learning something invaluable and potentially life-changing at every turn.

that’s what we do in theatre with every single show. props can’t be found. entrances are late. cues are missed. lines are forgotten. zippers break. wigs fall off. divas reign (or try to) (onstage and off). and i tell, tell, and retell those stories not because i’m a horrid ole’ wolf but because they are stories of survival and triumph.

here i have been feeling quite guilty for focusing on the negative, frequently apologizing or at the very least balancing the story with something positive. i know that artists often turn boo-boos into part of the creation – i embrace the notion of wabi-sabi – i just never applied that to me. but now, finally, i realize that the negative is positive. these things that go awry, these trips, stumbles, and sometimes flat-out falls aren’t negative, they’re the most redeeming kind of positive because despite any hurdle, obstacle, dragon, vampire, giant, or diva divine, the show does go on.

i feel so much better now – a bit embarrassed that it took me so long to come to such a seemingly simple and obvious mindset – but oh so relieved.

now

did i tell you about the night when . . .

just call me flounder

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i flounder. am in search of something, though i can’t articulate it enough to recognize it. maybe words aren’t the answer. i try to identify what interests me . . .

i grab books and look there. i go on walks with eyes open (and usually find the most interesting things when i’ve gone off and left my camera).

a very good friend, somebody i have never met but know at that deep, satisfying level of connection (thanks, acey) reminded me this morning that when we don’t listen to ourselves, that wise voice dries up. is mine drying up? is it giving me one last beckon?

i long to jump into something. need to settle down. want instant gratification. crave something that develops and unfolds over time.

i think i don’t move enough. don’t eat well. (soda crackers with mayonnaise washed down with swigs of diet coke – is that okay?) it’s too hot to walk. i can’t drag myself to the cool, air-conditioned fitness room complete with elliptical trainer and cable television.

can’t (read: don’t) stitch often enough to maintain a blog, so what do i do? i launch a new blog and within 2 weeks, i’m back to stitch and tell.

i am a mess. this is beyond being a complex human being – that’s endearing, this is embarrassing.

okay, enough. i’m going to watch more reruns of law and order. there’s something about solving a life-and-death case in slightly less than 40 minutes (allowing for commercials) that is quite satisfying.

and enviable.

it’s sunday, so it must be fidgety out

who am i kidding? declaring independence day from what? i have a fabulous life, but i have put everybody (read: family) on notice that i’m slowing down and sloughing off. i say i’m taking control of my life . . . but jeez – taking control of WHAT???? i just want to live the day noticing things, not running ragged and falling in bed at night wondering where did the time go and what time i have to get up the next day to get it all done. i’m tired of the checklist life. want to be able to say to hell with productivity. i mean, really: productivity for who? i want to sit and read without feeling guilty. i want to write my little stories without feeling the need to justify and explain and sell them for them to be worthwhile. i want to do yoga and go to walk without worrying about all the things i need to be doing instead of lolly-gagging around.

all this nagging and fussing comes from me and me alone – let me be real clear about that. but where on earth did i learn such a language? why, i think i need to march myself right in there and wash my mouth out with soap. where did i pick up and embrace the notion that one must be productive to be worthwhile? (don’t even waste your time suggesting that productive is different to everybody – i’ve tried that with my self and my self just isn’t buying it.)

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we’re in n.c. right now where the rhododendrons are in various stages of bloom. and at the same time i’m completely mesmerized with the soft pink rhodo blooms, i’m struck silly by a colorful leaf floating down off the tree.

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an orangeish/yellowish leaf.

in early july.

i’ve long noticed that women i know and love are like fall leaves: when their chlorophyll stops production is when they turn colorful and let go of the tree.

now i’m playing with thoughts of how maaaaaybe that’s only a part of it. maaaaaaaybe the women i know and love are green leaves, blooming rhododendrons, and colorful leaves all at once. maybe there’s something lingering, something bursting, something in full bloom, something waning, and something turned colorful in all of us. all at once. all in one single life. maybe even in a single calendar-blind day.

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