+ Her Barefoot Heart

Author: jeanne (Page 73 of 120)

I'm just your basic complicated simple red dirt girl who feels most beautiful when wearing skirts that caper and earrings that dangle. Entering into my Second Life (my tenured phase, I call it), I tell, write, stitch, and perform stories about this time of life when the mythological (and downsized) empty nest is now filled with aging pets, aging parents, a retired husband, and the knowledge that you're living on the finite side of infinity.

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Beach

It was tired out today, so we moved slowly.

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This evening, once it had cooled off,
we went to the Shrimp Festival.

Bottletree

Many artisans had closed by the time we got there, but I did spy one of my all-time favorite things: bottle trees. They’re an old Southern custom, brought over from Africa, I’m told. The bright colors reportedly mesmerize and beckon evil spirits who are ultimately captured and imprisoned inside the bottle, preventing them from wreaking further havoc.

LulusSign

Then it was Lulu’s for supper.

Littrees

Where the trees were so lit up it looked like Christmas in Alabama,
and the people were so lit up,
they looked like University of Alabama fans
(who had a very good day, I’m told.)

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And not a minute too soon: bedtime.

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning.

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Today found us going to Sacred Ground, otherwise known as Monroeville, Alabama, home of Harper Lee and To Kill a Mockingbird.

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Two years ago, I was driving down the interstate when I spotted a sign that said “Monroeville”, so of course I took a detour. I had to. You know I did.

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On that visit, I happened to walk into the courthouse at the same time a woman named Blondell was taking her cake inside for the meeting. As we pulled into town today, I said “Wonder if I’ll see Blondell today,” something my husband and nephew found especially funny.

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But I want you to know that right when we got through touring and photographing, out walked two women, Ann and Martha. (Let me tell you: they are as much fun as they are precious.) Martha’s daddy is about to celebrate his 90th birthday, and they’re having the party at the courthouse.

MonroevilleAnnMartha

We talked a while (long enough that I’m expecting an invitation to the party), then I mentioned how two years ago when I visited, I met Blondell, and wouldn’t you know that Blondell is a friend of theirs. Ha.

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There’s lots to see there, and in the Capote room, there are quilts from his aunts and stories about how he asked for the ones they didn’t offer him outright. Said he loved wrapping himself in Alabama.

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If you’ve never been by there, you should go. Take your time poking around the rooms, reading the stories on the wall, sitting in the courtroom, shopping in the gift shop. And hey, tell Blondell and Ann and Martha that Nancy and I said Hey, would ya?

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If you’ve never read the book, you have to. I mean it. Scoot. And when you get to the end, to the part where Scout talks to her daddy (Atticus Finch) about the story he just told her about Boo Radley, when she says “An’ they chased him ‘n’ never could catch him ’cause they didn’t know what he looked like, an’ Atticus, when they finally saw him, why he hadn’t done any of those things . . . Atticus, he was real nice . . .” and Atticus says “Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them,” when you get to that part, promise me you’ll read it right out loud. Twice.

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And pssst: there’s a pinterest board, too.

Looking Back Over the Day (and Beyond)

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Despite the cold and rain that we didn’t plan on (or pack for), it was another especially fine day at the storytelling festival, a day that kicked off with a car pulling into the parking space next to us and the driver calling out “Hey, didn’t we park next to y’all yesterday?” I wasn’t sure till I saw how long it took the woman in the backseat to get out, and then I knew yes, yes they did park next to us yesterday – how’s that for a needle-in-the-haystack moment?

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It was also a stellar day for found objects, as you can see here and read about here.

Retrolinoleum

The Buddhists say we’re supposed to stay in the present and the Baptists keep us focusing on the future, but to tell you the truth, my natural leaning is towards times past, and today it wasn’t just the storytellers that carried me back in time . . . Who can forget this linoleum pattern from days gone by? We didn’t have it on our kitchen floor, but every one of my friends did.

Sons1

Not only were these fellas a lot of fun to cut up with, but they offered to help me nudge my son into joining the Sons of the Confederacy. Now seems as fine a time as any to tell you that I belong to the UDC (United Daughters of the Confederacy), the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution), and the Colonial Dames XVII . . . AND . . . I’m working on my papers to join other lineage societies cause while I may not approve of everything that was done in the past, I’m proud to be a Southerner, and I’m proud to be an American. Even though it’s not politically correct. Which is probably why I”m coming clean here ’cause yesterday a woman sat down next to me, and at one point in our brief little chitchat, she said “You are politically correct,” and I was insulted. Insulted, I tell you. I’m just tired of covering up who I am at my deep, essential core to keep other people feeling all comfortable. What I’m saying is: I guess I felt insulted ’cause I realized she was telling the truth. Doesn’t mean I won’t continue to be polite, but political correctness is a whole different thing that leaps right on into dangerous territory, if you ask me.

So there.

Glad we got that cleared up.

Chopperhopper

My granddaddy used to take his dentures out every night and put them on the sideboard in a saucer of water. Right up there with other important and often-used things. Grossed me out and scared me more than once when I happened upon those teeth. So one year I saved my money to order him a ceramic AND LIDDED chopper hopper that I spied in one of Mother’s catalogues. It was just like this one I saw in an antique store on Main Street today, except I splurged, spent an extra 10-cents, and had “William’s Chopper Hopper” printed on the front of the one I ordered. Nothing but the best for my Granddaddy.

Tractor

Don’t you wish this beauty could talk? Don’t you know she has some stories to tell? Oh my goodness gracious, if tractors could talk . . .

And now I’m going to tuck my cold, damp feet under the cover, (pretend to) watch a football game with my husband, and stitch a bit.

stories, stories, everywhere and not a need for drink

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Their father was strict – oh my goodness gracious, he was strict. He worked in a garage, and that’s probably why he wouldn’t let them wear shorts outside the house. Fortunately for the older sister, you could set a clock by her father, so in the summer she could lay out in the sun in her swimsuit and still make it inside, change, and be presentable and ready for supper when her daddy got home. They had an aunt named Mary (but everybody called her Aunt Mert cause they all had nicknames. Their Uncle Howard was called Paps. See, I told you: everybody had nicknames.) Aunt Mert was a mess. I mean that woman was a mischief maker. Once, when she was a teenager, Mert’s mother and grandmother dropped her off at church, and as soon as their car rounded the corner, Aunt Mert hopped in her friend’s car and off they went. But tragedy struck: the car wrecked. Flipped over, I’m telling you, and without even slowing down to check on anybody, Aunt Mert scooted on back up to the house where she was when her Mother and Grandmother got in from church. “Goodness gracious,” the grandmother said, “such a wreck you’ve never seen. Those poor young people flipped their new car. What a mess they left all over the road.” “Well, I hope none of them got hurt too bad,” Aunt Mert said. And I want you to know that the mother and grandmother never found out Mert was a passenger in that car.

Door1

Her first house cost $1600. Didn’t have an indoor bathroom, so they saved their money and took up part of the kitchen to build a bathroom. It was her mother’s idea. Her mother was real stupid until this woman got married, then her mother turned smart again.

Clock1

They came down umpteen years ago – 27 or 28 as they recollect – with a couple who they were friends with at that time. The couple moved from Connecticut to Charlotte, NC. After settling into their new home in Charlotte, the friends called one day. “Y’all want to come down and go to the storytelling festival with us?” The husband thought that was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard, so they declined. The next year, the friends called again: “Y’all want to go with us to the storytelling festival?” and this time the couple couldn’t think of a good excuse, so down they trotted from Connecticut to Charlotte where they loaded into one car and came over to the festival. That was either 27 or 28 years ago. Neither one can really remember. (This year the Charlotte couple is in Croatia and are appalled that the folks from Connecticut came to the storytelling festival without them.)

Corn

“Can you hear from back here?” she asked as she sat down next to me. “If they’ll be quiet,” I said, nodding to the two men sitting behind us. “If they make too much noise, we’ll just slap ’em,” a solution that seemed to tickle her. Turns out she’s the wife and grandmother of the men sitting behind us, so you might say that we hit it off right from the start. Her husband is named Brick, named after his Uncle Brick who grew up in Mississippi, two houses down from Tennessee Williams. By all accounts, Tennessee Williams was rather effeminate, and it doesn’t take a great store of imagination to know that made Tennessee a likely target for a fella named Brick. But then Tennessee grew up and wrote Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. With a character named and modeled after, you guessed it: Brick. That very childhood nemesis.

Steeple

Musicians accompany themselves and sing on the sidewalks. Streets are closed. Schools declare today a holiday and rent out their lots and buses. Churches open their doors and sell you soup, sandwich, desserts, beverage, cornbread, and crackers – all you can eat – for $7/person. For three full (and I do mean FULL) days, stories are told under big tents set up all over Jonesborough, Tennessee. The air is filled with stories, and not all of ’em are told on stage . . .

Pumpkin2

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Today is the first drawing in the second journal Nancy drew in on Saturday. With a total of 167 drawings, I’m counting today as the halfway mark.

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As often happens, I see one thing when I look at the drawing (usually awe), something else as I stitch (usually a feeling), then I spy a third thing (usually something that tickles me) when I snap the photo of the stitched version. As I stitched this drawing, I was struck at how it resembles my life right now. I tell you what: my house is in such a state of disarray (and that may or may not be a metaphor). Then as I looked through the lens of the camera, I saw a face. Complete with wrinkles cause having spent today at the cardiologists’ office, taking our daughter to lunch, fetching the dog some antibiotics, then trekking back up the mountain, I am too tired to starch – even lightly starch – and iron.

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(Hubs is fine, by the way. Goes back in a year. Though we’d rather have two years or even a year and a half, we’ll take a year. So glad we’re not yet old enough to take pride in our health being of serious enough consequence to require doctor’s appointments closer together on the calendar. Waiting rooms have not yet become the stage for our social lives.)

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

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It is perhaps possible to say that what verbal concepts are to the conscious life of the intellect what internal objects are to the unconscious life of instinct and phantasy, so works of art are to the conscious life of feeling without them life would be only blindly lived, blindly endured. (159)

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Psychic creativeness is the capacity for making a symbol. Creativeness in the arts is making a symbol for feeling and creativeness in science is making a symbol for knowing. (148)

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This effect of vitality will be enhanced if the symbol states no more than the essential features, if it states them clearly, and if it states them swiftly, for the very swiftness of the execution will convey a sense of power and liveliness to the spectator. (44)

Quotes from On Not Being Able to Paint by Joanna Field

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

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Art does not lie down on the bed
that was made for it;
it runs away as soon
as one says its name;
it loves to be incognito.
Its best moments
are when it forgets
what it is called.
~ Jean Dubuffet ~

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

water under the bridge

the sun peeked out from the clouds
just enough to lure us out
for a walk this morning.

i chose this hill,

Uphill

which looks enticingly meandering
from the bottom
and a bit more formidable from the top

Downhill

husband went another way.
he has his own hills to climb.

——-

yesterday the water raged,

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fierce and muddied in its flowing.
agitated, to say the least.

today, such a difference.

Falls1

there’s still a lot of water flowing,
but much has settled
making things clearer.

——-

on one side of the bridge,
the water is calm,
smooth,
like an oddly-shaped mirror
reflecting all around it.
deceptively placid.

but when it flows under the bridge
it transforms noticeably.
letting no boulder
or branch
stand in its way.
moss growing
only around the far edges.

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She draws:

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Then I stitch:

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One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.
~ Jack Kerouac ~

~~~~~~~~~

She is my developmentally disabled sister-in-law, Nancy,
and I am Jeanne, the woman who flat-out loves her.
Go here to start at the beginning and read your way current.
And there’s a pinterest board, too.

Fine Lines

It rained all night, giving us this view from here this morning:

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and this:

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Note: The preceding photos may or may not be visual metaphors . . .

_______

I got up, showered, washed my hair. Would’ve gone to walk except it continued to rain hard all day long. I stitched my way through the day, preparing five more Envoy packets to go out. (Thank y’all.) The up and down, back and forth of the needle soothes me, assures me.

I am not holed up in a small room with the blackout curtains pulled closed. I am not wallowing. I am not whining. On the outside, I look the same. If we talked, I would make you laugh, and I would laugh alongside you. “If my cat would knead my back and shoulders like he kneads my thighs and chest,” I posted on Facebook, “I would buy him the good food.” I am the same save for one important detail: I laid something down yesterday, and you held me. Your comments and your emails, they swaddled me in gentle support. I don’t know when I’ve felt so seen, so held. Thank you.

——-

Renae used the word “sorrow,” and that resonated deeply with my bones. I may laugh, but I still carry this sorrow. There is such substance in sorrow, in this deep, long, unnamed sorrow.

——-

Fine lines separate a pity party from authenticity, distinguish whining from honesty, keep sharing from becoming a stage. While my brain screams “You get over yourself and stop this right now, Missy,” my bones whisper “You’re okay, Sugar.”

_______

Happy feels like an obligation, something manufactured, something I do for others, something I am obligated to do for others, to make them comfortable, to make and keep friends.

Glee feels natural, organic, spontaneous. I can’t stop glee, and I don’t want to. It’s not heavy, not one thing I have to drag round. Its not scratchy or tiresome.

Sorrow feels, well, comfortable in a way. Like I’ve landed right where I’m supposed to be. And sorrow doesn’t exclude other emotions or other situations or other people. It’s inclusive, though not in the misery-loves-company-kind-of-way because I’m not actually miserable. Sorrow doesn’t assign blame but invites reflection and pondering.

——-

My brain is my aggregator, my protector, my assimilator. I need my brain for so many reasons, but somewhere along the way, it got the big head, my brain did. Thinks thinking is The Only Thing That Matters.

My heart is the home of my spirit. Childlike, playful, spontaneous. Heart is home to glee.

My bones are home to my soul. They connect me with my ancestors, with something ancient and unspoken. I am finally learning to trust them enough to let them speak. Bones are the voice of wisdom.

_______

My body is a cache of Knowing.

And of memory. All these voices, all these proverbial fingers wagging at me, they are remembered real. I have read them, heard them, interpreted them before. I have been baptized in them. Some come from well-meaning sources concerned with my well-being and safety. Others come from sources who don’t know me but speak with great authority. All promise a life of shame if I perform in a way that is disruptive, inconsiderate, inconvenient for others. Sadful is at the top of The List of Inconsiderate Inconveniences.

This avoidance of shame has guided me for so many years. For too many years.

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