Month: October 2010 (Page 1 of 3)

for the eve: a tale

October 31, 2010 / jeanne / 2 Comments

friday night, mother decided she wanted to come home 4 days early. she said it was so i could spend time with my husband – and i’m sure that’s part of it – but i also think she was ready to come home.

there’s a whole lot more i want to say about that and about our time together, but i’m a little distracted cause, well, see, here’s the thing: after three years of tire-kicking, i officially signed up for nanowrimo this year.

which starts in less than 4 hours.

i’m actively researching a non-fiction book, but since that could wind up taking 3 years or more on the research alone, i decided nano would be a fine opportunity to bring that story idea out – the one that’s been lurking around in my imagination for 8 years or more – the fiction piece.

yes, 8-year-old fiction.

but with nano’s clock ticking loudly, i am visited by the ultimate writer’s block: i can’t even remember the idea.

i’m breathing deeply and revisiting the notes i’ve scribbled out over the years (i thought there was more!)

sometimes accomplishment moves me into a new place, so i made a to do list. i still need to:
clear my desk
file all those papers
decide on a writing sweater
flesh out a writing writual
decide which candle
make out menus for the next 4 weeks
and grocery lists
finish christmas shopping
pluck my eyebrows
clear out and reorganize the pantry
change the answering machine message to say “not now dearie”

well shoot, as you can see, i’m suffering from a bad case of writer’s procrastination and paralysis.

so to hell with the notes and to hell with the list. i’m off get my daughter to don her costume again and canvas the neighborhood. i’m telling her to go as far as necessary, to stay out as late as needed, that i don’t want to see her back here until she has a bag FULL of chocolate.

early out

October 30, 2010 / jeanne / 0 Comments

we came home 4 days early – probably because i’m just not that much fun.
or maybe she’d had all the fun she could stand.
nah, i’m going with what’s behind door number one.
anyway, i’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

sign of the times

October 29, 2010 / jeanne / 4 Comments

with no men around,
the girls are in charge of the scepter tonight,
and we’re watching legally blonde 1
followed immediately by legally blonde 2.

i love these movies.

love the messages they send – the very important messages they send.

and i wonder how my mother’s life would’ve been different
if she’d had someone who believed in her
and kept telling her to listen to her self,
to use her own voice,
to do it her way.

she wanted to go to college,
and the high school guidance counselor
once asked her about going to college,
but she’d always been told that
there was only enough money to send
her little brother to college,
so she told him no, she wasn’t going
and he (the guidance counselor) didn’t pursue it further.

she did run for office once,
but my dad,
who’d held many political offices,
didn’t support her,
so she was the only candidate
with a teenage campaign manager.

i wonder what else she would like to have done
in her life.
last time i asked, she said
it was more than enough being
mother to her three j’s.

and i don’t doubt that she’s telling the truth.
but i still can’t help but wonder
how her life
would be different
had she been born
in a decade
when it was okay
for women to start sentences with
“i want,”
when women had a voice
to call their own.

pretty

October 28, 2010 / jeanne / 6 Comments

personal appearance is important to mother and alison.
both know how to throw an outfit together.
both know what looks good on them.
both know how to talk to hair dressers
and know their way around a makeup counter.
both are beautiful, beautiful women.

did it skip a generation?
that would be the easiest explanation.

but actually, there was a time when
i was pretty
when i threw together
strikingly novel
and interesting outfits
effortlessly.

but then responsibilities grew
while finances shrunk,
so i learned to
focus
on things other than my appearance.

i told myself
that being pretty was
superficial
and unimportant.

and that’s true

but

i still want to
lose weight
and feel
comfortable in the
beauty parlor
instead of feeling like
i should apologize
and explain my presence
and be grateful that the
hair dresser doesn’t
see my name on the book
and put a bag over her head.

i want to feel
pretty.

but there’s an important difference:

before,
i cared most
about what other people
thought about me,
felt like my appearance
defined me
and was the sum total
of what i had to offer.

now, though,
it’s, well,
it’s all about me.
i want to feel comfortable.
and confident.
i want to feel pretty –
not because of what others think,
but because i want to smile
when i see me.

and i’m finding that as i
make time to write,
as i dare to speak what’s
true to me,
the weight slowly
slides away
and regardless
of how my hair looks
or what i’m wearing
or whether i’m wearing makeup or not,
i begin to feel pretty
again.

taking 10

October 27, 2010 / jeanne / 1 Comment

okay, folks. i’m taking the night off cause honestly, i’m getting tired of hearing myself talk.

plus i need time to immerse myself in my everything-you-need-to-know-about-how-to-write-fiction magazine cause i signed up for the nanowrimo challenge (it starts in 4 days) and plan to try my hand at fiction.

not that i don’t indulge in a little fiction every now ‘n then, memory being what it is and all. and of course now that i’ve put my name on the official dotted line, i’m wondering if my idea is more like a short story than a book (i can’t bring myself to say “novel”) – shoot, it may be little more than a blog post – but i have committed to penning some 2000 words every. single. day. in november . . . okay, that’s enough. i’m starting to glisten with the enormity of it all.

tomorrow, though, tomorrow i feel another story time coming on.

how can i love you better? (day 22)

October 26, 2010 / jeanne / 16 Comments

despite my loud and plentiful protestations,
she held my hand
tightly
and dragged me into
in the moon-lit ocean
at the bewitching hour
of 3 a.m.
standing knee-deep
in the frothy waters,
the red flag
warning us of riptides
that just might
pull us under
and tumble us into a
place we’ve never been before.

we talked in
mirrored likeness
of the waves
that broke on top of each other
and crossed at angles to each other
until
i was no longer her mother
and
she was no longer my daughter,
until we were, instead, simply
two women
who cherish,
cheer,
and console
each other,
alone on the beach,
holding hands while
standing knee-deep in the ocean
basking in the moonlight
and
magic of this
wondrously beautiful moment.

(this is what my daughter and i did last night while my mother/her grandmother slept.)

sands through the our glass (day 21)

October 25, 2010 / jeanne / 4 Comments

years ago, an acquaintance told me of having to bring sand in to a job he was doing in the middle east. not that there wasn’t sand there, of course, but because the on-site sand wouldn’t do what he needed done. you see, each individual grain of imported sand had rough, sharp, pointy edges as compared to the grains of sand there that had lost their edges as winds repeatedly blew them against each other. he needed grains of sand with edges sharp enough, defined enough to peel back the layers of accumulated paint he was removing.

i think of that several times today as we settle into a routine, a rhythm. as we find a way to be together as a lineage of women without losing our individual selves and falling back into being a creation that pleases. eventually we’ll delight in the discovery of individual and shared differences, desires, and dreams, but the first few days can be a bit on the scratchy side as the edges come in contact.

ethics (day 20)

October 24, 2010 / jeanne / 5 Comments

i want to tell you about the time i was good,
but i was good because they were bad.

i want to tell you about the time i survived,
but i survived because they were abusive.

i want to tell you about the time i won,
but i won because they lost.

i want to tell you about the time i tripped,
but i did that all by myself
and i just don’t feel like going
solo.

hello, mother, my name is jeanne (day 19)

October 23, 2010 / jeanne / 7 Comments

you can’t make this stuff up.

fortunately i don’t even have to try.

~~~

the beautiful jewelry (yes, i wore it yesterday, too. i can’t get anything past you, can i?) is created by my friend kelly who also has an etsy shop. (pssst: it’s never too early to start shopping – ho, ho, ho!)

the paintings behind me were created by my talented daughter, alison.

and

no, that’s not a bump on the right side of my head. i kinda’ wish it were cause then i wouldn’t have to tell you that i did my own hair, but trust me: next time, i’ll check in with a mirror first.

aunt lucy and her cemetery snake, day 18

October 22, 2010 / jeanne / 4 Comments

~~~

for inquiring minds . . .

the gorgeous earrings and necklace i’m wearing here were designed and created by my friend kelly from over at the blue muse. she has an etsy store, too, so go forth and shop.

and

see those two paintings behind me? they were painted specially for me by my daughter, moxie. but you can call her alison.

and

no, i’m not jaundiced and yes, i do brush my teeth and absolutely, i promise to learn more about lighting.