placing the fulcrum

seekinggrace.jpg

For a time, I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
Wendell Berry
(via Julie Daley)

i got my feelings hurt yesterday by things said and not said. by things done and not done. and as i write that true statement, i feel small and wretched and ashamed. voices hiss from the dark corners and crevices a cacophony of remonstrations and admonitions: “unwanted equals unworthy” and “you can’t control what others do and say, only your reaction and response – when will you ever learn that?” and, in a chiding, condescending, nasal voice “only petty, ego-driven people get their feelings hurt.” a softer voice whispers “sometimes you do hurt, and there’s nothing wrong with that. feel it. stay with it till it passes, as it most assuredly will.”

it’s all too much.

this morning i don my new earrings – the ones that said “seek” and “grace” when i ordered them and now (because i asked with a pretty please) say “seeking” and “grace”. three little letters – ing – turn the outward message of a personal adornment inward, creating tiny little sticky notes to remind me of who and how i want to be. and just like that, i resume my search for the delicate balance between graciously overlooking and graciously honoring myself, trying to find where to put the fulcrum this time to maintain the delicate balance and not squash relationships or my sense of worthiness in the process.

8 Comments

  1. Square-Peg Karen

    OHmyword, those earrings are gorgeous! And to think that you had the “ing” added – wow!

    But where to put that fulcrum thing, Jeanne – whew — the proper place is SO hard to find that I”m thinking it’s one of those things we’ll never know for SURE — which makes me sigh.

    Felt so good to read that you struggle with that stuff too —NOT because I like to think of you struggling (that part was sad to my heart), but because sometimes I feel like such a baby dealing with this stuff (guess it’s the “get over it already” type voices-sigh again)…

    wishing you peace and grace in your fulcrum-spot finding — maybe the earrings will help. (p.s. I’m noticing something ELSE really great about you – you’ve got some absolutely awesome good taste, girl!!)

  2. Square-Peg Karen

    OHmyword, those earrings are gorgeous! And to think that you had the “ing” added – wow!

    But where to put that fulcrum thing, Jeanne – whew — the proper place is SO hard to find that I”m thinking it’s one of those things we’ll never know for SURE — which makes me sigh.

    Felt so good to read that you struggle with that stuff too —NOT because I like to think of you struggling (that part was sad to my heart), but because sometimes I feel like such a baby dealing with this stuff (guess it’s the “get over it already” type voices-sigh again)…

    wishing you peace and grace in your fulcrum-spot finding — maybe the earrings will help. (p.s. I’m noticing something ELSE really great about you – you’ve got some absolutely awesome good taste, girl!!)

  3. Kathyloh

    Beautiful post Jeanne – I say, (as you so beautifully pointed to with “…delicate balance between graciously overlooking and graciously honoring myself…”)let Grace handle the fulcrum through surrender (surrender to the waves of life). Overlooking without grace points to dismissal and reprimand and honoring without grace points to indulgence – both the result of handing the feedback of error and success to the wounded, negative ego (inner critic). The feedback is how the wave of life speaks back to us that allows us, as surfers, to calibrate. That’s all, calibrate.

    I love your honesty, your beauty and your vulnerability. Oh how you shine!

  4. Julie Daley

    I remember when you told me that you’d ordered these beauties. They are just as lovely as you said. I can only imagine how your ears, eyes, and smile make them shine even more.

    This is a beautiful post. I am sorry to know you are hurting, and I also know you are finding that place as you go.

    Your writing is brilliant, my dear.

  5. Sarah

    this is exquisite in its open heart. first time i ever shared someone’s blog post on my fb page… but this one, dear one, is for all of us. thank you.

  6. Sally_G

    I sometimes wonder if finding the Fulcrum is so hard because I’m struggling too hard to balance issues that should simply exist naturally together rather than as two teetering entities. If I choose my thoughts, words and actions with love and care ~ do I really need to worry about squashing relationships? I can definitely get lost in the whirrings of my mind.

    I love your earrings too. And if we were to meet for a walk or a tea ~ I would personalize mine to honour the occasion, and I would do this by removing the ‘k’. (Seeing Grace)

  7. Dian Reid

    sometimes all this thinking we do sure makes it difficult to simply exist. if i wore earrings i might ask for some that say “existing in grace”. i mean, if they can add 3 letters, why not change ’em all, ha!!

    i love your speak, my dear.

  8. Mrsmediocrity

    you have found grace, i’m pretty sure, but keep seeking anyway, just in case.
    we all get hurt sometimes, we all falter, it’s the getting back up that counts, you know, that whole scraped, but laughing thing….

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