but you can call me “Her Highest Petticoat Potentate”

formalcrown.jpg

or (and you might want to take a deep breath first) “ArchSupremest Of The Very Supreme And Sovereign pFemale Pharaoh Till The Cows Fly Home” for short.* the “Arch” is a nod to religion. the “Supremest” and “Supreme” – well, what’s a good title without accessories? and “Pharaoh” because everybody knows that’s a ruler with a bite. (among other things.)

i might make it “ArchSupremest Of The Supreme And Sovereign pFemale Pharaoh, TTCFH”. i haven’t decided yet. i mean, it’d make sense from a power position because it looks like a degree that was painful and took forever to obtain.**

this started out to be a post on something really important, but damned if i can remember what it was now. whatever it was, though, it was important, i know that much. something i felt i felt so strongly about i knew i needed a little title to give me credibility and power and to get some seriously serious attention. so i started poking around google, and, well, here we are.

i asked for suggestions on facebook***, and i got “queen” and “beloved leader”, and while i know you’re not supposed to torpedo ideas right out of the gate* x4, honestly, i don’t think i could make the “beloved” part stick after people heard what i was planning on proposing. (and still will once i remember it) (i’ll probably remember once i get this little title thing worked out).

“queen” comes with way too much baggage, and besides i checked, and out of all my pocketbooks, i don’t have a single one that looks all that queenly. no patent leathers. don’t have one without a shoulder strap, for that matter, and i ask you: how queenly would it look for a short gal like me to be dragging her pocketbook around on the ground behind her. (yes, i thought about kicking it out in front of me as i go but that’s not all that becoming to an all-powerful monarch either.) (and honestly, i haven’t been doing yoga nearly long enough to trust myself standing on one foot while the other one moves.)

pfunny that nobody suggested “president”. not that i’d even audition that one, anyway.

i played phoebe reece in the “farndale avenue housing estate’s townswomen’s guild’s dramatic society’s production of a christmas carol” not once but twice, and let me tell you, there’s a woman with p.o.w.e.r. but i plan to cower over more than the 7 people who saw me on stage, so how would everybody (besides those 7* x 5, of course) know to quake appropriately? it could be embarrassing and quite honestly, deadly.

then there’s my dog, named phoebe because the kids gave her to us as a christmas present during my first farndale gig.* x 6 and while it’s true that pfour-legged phoebe has the power-like-none-other to pull me out of the coveted writing zone to go fetch her and the tagalong cats a treat, i’m still just not convinced “phoebe” would be instantly recognizable as power to the untrained eye.

not too long ago, i was called to the amphitheater stage on the night “oliver!” closed on account of the cast wanted to give me The Most Beautiful Roses Ever. and when nancy admitted she didn’t know what to call me, fagin chirped in with “goddess” which i have to admit has a pretty nice ring to it, especially over the loud speakers and in front of all those people. but it sounds like i’d have to behave and look on the beautiful side of things, so maybe not.

now “mama” is a title that can pack a punch, but football just represents one segment of my intended subjects.

i want a kickass title. something that’ll size me up at a Woman To Be Reckoned With And Listened To Right Off The Bat. a title that’ll have people standing in line hours months ahead to purchase one of the pens i’ll use to sign my orders into, well, orders.* x 7 (and yes, i know the trick about using a different pen for each letter. i’m all over that cause “ka ching, ka ching” is sure to be one of my silent mottos.)

the blogess has already taken “czar” (i’d give her credit, but i don’t know how to reference a tweet* x 8 & 9) (even a funny one). and speaking of the bloggess, do y’all think she’d mind very much if i just copied her post and pasted it in over here at my place? i think i can photoshop out her face from under that cat (which i’m thinking would make a flattering informal crown when i’m out working in the royal yard or bagging up the royal trash or walking to the royal mailbox) and insert mine easy enough. i’ll keep her shoulders and the towel, of course. only seems fair.

plus i’d like to prove that i can be benevolent.

on occasion.

well, loyal subjects-in-the-making, since i’m not yet fully staffed, i am not only writing this little ole’ post all by my little ole’ self (Sovereign though i may be), i must go tend to some Very Important And Sometimes Onerous Things That Petticoat Potentates Must Do Whether They Want To Or Not.

so carry on.

and write if you get work.

* you know i’m such a sucker (a sovereign one, it goes without saying) for alliteration, i almost put a “p” in front of every word, but then i figured all those people who got hooked on phonics would sue me in hopes of paying for their rehab.

** the way i figure it, once i’m launched, at least one institute of higher learning (probably more) is gonna’ bestow some honorary letters after my name free of charge. might even throw me a little party with free food and open bar afterwards, too.

*** for now, i’m “injeanneious” there. or “jeanne hewell-chambers”. just in case you’re interested.

* x 4 even though i can, you know.

* x 5 okay, make that 6 because i forgot to mention the stay awake requirement when i paid my mother to come.

* x 6 don’t get used to so much personal information cause i’m gonna’ have to start keeping the monarchey lid on things for the protection of my peeps. not that my edicts and decrees will be unpopular, mind you, it’s just that i’ll be so wildly, fantastically popular, everybody will want a piece of me.

* x 7 for those of you who like to plan ahead, kissing up is not only allowed, it’s downright encouraged.

* x 8 & 9 which reminds me: one of the first things i’ll have to do it give myself more twitterwidth because my title alone eats up more than 140 characters and what with retweets and all. note to Sovereign Supremest Of The Supreme Self: slap a crown on that fail whale (but first: it’s not a killer whale, is it?). and the little birdies, too, while you’re at it. and for all you inquiring minds out there, @whollyjeanne is my twitter name. for now, anyway.

p.s. and for the record, no, i have not had a royaltini.

yet.

15 Comments

  1. olive & hope

    Hail Hail Her Highest Petticoat Potentate! I freaking love you. I am now curtseying, bowing, and whatever else your loyal subjects are supposed to do, to show their reverance.

  2. whollyjeanne

    oh, sugar. you can just kiss my ring. and maybe tote my royal pocketbook.

  3. shoreacres

    I've been reading and reading and thinking and thinking and trying to remember…. Finally, it surfaced.

    You don't happen to know of Jill Connor Browne, Boss Queen of the Sweet Potato Queens of Jackson, Mississippi and (now) elsewhere? THAT'S who this entry reminds me of – and that is all good, my dear. I can read Jill Browne from now until the cows and whatever else is out there wandering around comes home!

    If you're southern, you have to know her !

  4. whollyjeanne

    now that's a fine compliment – thank you. i don't know jill personally, but i sure do know her fun work.

  5. mamamaryshow

    I don't know what a royaltini is, I just know I need to have one. With you.

  6. Fluidity Yoga

    YOU. CRACK. ME. UP. Exactly what I needed to read at 12:50 a.m. CST at the end of a very emotional, nerve-wracking week. I. HEART. YOU. 🙂
    Mitzi

  7. Guest

    YOU. CRACK. ME. UP. Exactly what I needed to read at 12:50 a.m. CST at the end of a very emotional, nerve-wracking week. I. HEART. YOU. 🙂
    Mitzi

  8. whollyjeanne

    yes you do.

  9. whollyjeanne

    hey neighbor. i heart you, too. and i can't wait to cash in my win – yoga with you? now there's something to look forward to.

  10. AlanaSheeren

    giggle. giggle. guffaw. thank you – I SO needed a good laugh.

  11. whollyjeanne

    guffaw. now there's a word i like from any chair at the table.

  12. Jenny, bloggess

    “Principessa of Polenta”. It's catchy, right?

  13. whollyjeanne

    should i consider this your application for the post?

  14. Bonnie

    pFabulous!

    I've missed you and your royal writing! You'll have your letters carried behind you like a bride has her wedding train hauled here'n'there. But you'll be sipping royaltinis and be married to your life of power and fame, of course.

    I want to catch the bouquet! Oh, and to buy a couple of those pens!

  15. whollyjeanne

    pFabulous – that's what i call you, sugar.

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